I cannot get out of bed today as my mood is so-so.
All week I have felt weird and irritable often forcing myself to go outside or engage in conversation. Today I could not even face getting out of bed so I haven’t. Happy Friday to me.
Trying to understand the scrambled spaghetti mess that are my many tangled thoughts is a daily battle that I never win. On days like these I wish I were made of glass so I could see what hormone was not doing its job and give it a nudge along. Then again according to CBT I have experienced a trigger and that has caused me to feel like this. It all seems so simple to educated professionals who sit on the other side of a desk. From this side, life is … well, not worth getting out of bed for.
I have taken long walks, short fresh air walks, sat quietly, sat enraptured with silly conversations with Mr. K, eaten well, drank 2ltrs of water, slept through the night …
The confusion of all this is heaped upon the already mountainous pile of nonsensical mess that hurts my head. I lie down, close my eyes and have my duvet daydreams, dreams of a life where I do not miss the person I was before or fear the person in my future. Here I have skipped a few steps, have I had surgery or not? did talking it out help or not? In my duvet daydream I am the me I am supposed to be, a happy, pain-free me – wether through cognitive behaviour therapy, surgery, counselling or a combination of all three, one day I hope to live my dreams outside of the bed.