Writing the last post made me think about my cycle and perpetual quest to get to the bottom of whatever is wrong with me. Lets start with some facts:
- It has been fifteen years since my last menstruation
- For over ten years nothing noticeable happened, only weight gain and occasional cyst rupturing that I mistook for IBS
- All Doctors told me to come back when I wanted a baby or go on the pill.
- When I wanted a baby I failed the progesterone test.
- I had been having unprotected sex for twelve years with my then partner.
- 2012 was the worst year of my life, especially for my health.
- 2013 Endometriosis is thrown into the cystic uterus, depression, suicidal mix. Pain is at an all-time high.
- 2014 PMDD is a possible contender and suspected cause for suicidal tendencies.
- 2015 starts with a focus on understanding my cycle and pain patterns. I begin CBT and go outside more.
- I accept I am infertile.
I write so much down. In journals, in short stories and on blogs but what does it really mean? What does charting all this pain really mean? who does it help … does it even help me?
Few care that you are in pain and even fewer care when your life disintegrates into dust, only to be blown away, never to be seen again. As I try and piece myself back together I wonder the dreaded ‘why me?’ and sink further into melancholy. The CBT helps somewhat as I accept the past and move forward, but I am left behind and I will always be left behind.
My Gynaecologist, my GP and my Endocrinologist can only prescribe so much. My therapist administers CBT to help me be more ‘mindful’ but after all of this is done what else is there… I am still infertile. I am still in a minority of women which really means I am alone. I feel low, sad and frustrated.
All I do is wait and I am waiting for nothing that is the real fact of them all. Nothing will change. How can this ever be a positive thing? How will this ever be acceptable in my mind? When will reality stop tormenting me?