I dreamt twice this week that I was self-harming. It was both bizarre and sad to awaken with such thoughts. In one dream I was stabbing myself repeatedly in the chest and abdomen, I felt nothing yet continued to stab at my body. Thinking as rationally about it as I could that morning made me sad as I wondered if I would try and harm myself again and if my mental health was slipping. The more I thought about it the more I realised that to carry out the dream would require super-human strength and dedication as I doubt I possess a knife sharp enough to penetrate my breast bone and highly doubt my ability to puncture my organs or stomach as even a butcher would have trouble getting through the inches of fat that encompasses my pelvic region. I tried to dismiss it as ‘just a dream’ but I knew I had had this particular dream several times before when I was really ill.
After the first dream I made a conscious ‘mindful’ effort not to dwell too much on the events in the dream but it had definitely shaken me. Last night I was anxious and scared. I went to bed early and began to dream that I was running a blade along my arms and legs in a strange pattern. Instead of marking my wrists (in a suicidal fashion) I ran the blade along the outside of my wrist and arms and along the insides of my thighs. I have never in my life taken a blade or any other sharp implement to myself and wondered what was causing these dreams. As was the case with the dream earlier this week, I had in fact experienced this dream before when I used to dream that I sliced myself open and gave myself a hysterectomy.
In both dreams I am ‘attacking’ myself. The first my feminine parts, the second dream (I do not fully understand) I suspect is me marking my body so that I am unattractive or ruined. I do not feel sad today more curious as to why I have had such bizarre dreams. I suppose I have not had the best week mentally but luckily I know that thoughts of actually harming myself are not real.