I never have plans at the end of the month sometimes even the beginning because at the end of the month I just do not leave the house. The incredible pain I experience is overwhelming and a dip in mood usually follows. This morning I did my best to wake and dress in a positive manner but the pain took over and I was unable to make my CBT session. I was gutted but the pain overrides most feelings and I soon forgot about it.
Not wanting to let pain ruin my whole day I decided to shower, a long one, one with a shampoo and luxury conditioning pack, something to cheer me up and the hot water did for a while. Around dinnertime the pain hit so bad I kept doubling over whilst chopping onions. Mr. K. asks if I need help but dinner is so simple tonight that I refuse his help, determined to finish. An hour half later I am crying and bent over, the dinner is cooked and Mr. K is put off enjoying it by my sad face.
I do not want to talk about it. I am feeling so ill. I cannot eat, it hurts to breathe … nothing helps right now.
I cannot believe I am the same girl who was wondering where my pain was the other day. I can believe that I am the same Stupid Girl who thought my pain would magically disappear!
I have been feeling extremely low over the last few days and I felt bad not having my CBT session today and missed a chance to talk about some of the calming techniques I have been practicing. I have felt that CBT exercises suppress my real feelings of sadness and grief and I wanted to talk to Dr. D. about how I can overcome or work with these feelings.
The pain I feel is real, very real. Every month I somehow hope that I will not experience any pain. Yes it does make me sad and yes this does usually affect my mood, but, who is ever happy to be in such pain?
I will for the sake of CBT be mindful of my pain …
I will for the sake of my sanity allow myself to cry or be unhappy because I have painful pains, no eggs and no babies and I go around and around in circles each month … and no one cares.