Before my first laparoscopy my Parents went to Rome and brought me back blessed Rosary Beads. A beautiful rose coloured glass bead set that I cherish and carry everywhere with me. I will confess that I do not know how to correctly pray my Rosary beads. I know that they represent the life of Jesus through ‘decades’ and that there are four of them, I know that the small beads are Hail Mary’s and the larger bead an Our Father and that a Glory Be is in there somewhere.
Throughout the month of October 2013 I prayed the decades every day and celebrated the month of Mary praying that my operation would go well and that Mary would look after me always. I prayed to the mother of mothers and told her of my plight. I asked her for the strength to both understand and overcome my childlessness and to help me always.
Praying the rosary was my introduction to meditation. Earlier that year I had stopped going to Mass as I felt detached from God and the Church and could not stop crying as I prayed in silent contemplation. I had begun to look for more, something bigger than religion, something to soothe me, something to make me feel small and my problems … to somehow be part of the grand scheme of things…?
I have always had a curiosity for prediction or the idea that a person had a destiny or path laid out for them to follow. As a small child I was fascinated by the magic and miracles in the Bible, then by witches and sorcery, horoscopes and powers of telepathy, telekinesis and intuition. As a Catholic I kept my interest small as to talk of such things were frowned upon. At secondary school I would often challenge my teachers with different interpretations of Jesus’ message. Religious Education was one of my favourite lessons and I had plans of becoming a political journalist and dreamed of travelling to the middle east to work. For me, my Jesus spoke of Peace, of Love and said little of rules and regulations to dogmatically live your life by.
I moved to Ireland for university and several months in I met a woman who called herself a ‘White Witch’ she fascinated me by how she combined paganism with her strict Irish Catholic upbringing. She asked me one day if she could practice on me. I did not want her to, I had no experience of tarot, crystal ball gazing or psychic predictions. In the end I let her and dismissed it as a bit of fun.
The Irish history of Paganism from the Celts and Catholicism introduced by saint Patrick was of great interest to me. I had travelled here to study Theology and I was learning much more than I had expected. I met amazing people over my fourteen years who introduced me to a wide and varied way of thinking and Spirituality crept into my area of interest. Ireland is a beautiful country steeped in myth and legend and a connection to ‘the source’ can be felt when walking around green pastures or looking out at the rough choppy sea.
My career path took a change almost as soon as I landed in Ireland and on reflection it is possible that I was not destined to study scripture but to begin a holistic approach that would deepen my faith.
As I left Ireland I was deeply saddened and as my health began to deteriorate and my mental health hit a low I looked for something new to focus on and a new group with new interests to interact with. I began to read about meditation and yoga. In practice the idea of of clearing ones mind was a seemingly impossible task as I was plagued with questions and musings over my failed relationship, my new childlessness, loneliness and health problems.
As I failed to meditate I looked for music to relax me and stumbled upon guided meditations and then I discovered Bob Monroe. I began to research consciousness and began a journey to accept my situation and change my perception on life. I repeated Bob Monroe’s mantra
You are more than your physical body
WoW! I am more than my physical body, the body that has only a few eggs that can never be fertilised, a body that I despise because of this, a body that looks good on the outside but is barren and desolate on the inside. Unfortunately I did not continue to embrace this thought and a year later I was mentally unstable and knew it was the beginning of the end.
I went away for a few months to a small island that when you look past the young vibrancy and brouhaha is calm, peaceful and serene. I began to once again meditate. I wanted a new life. I began to ask for what I needed. I began to reclaim my life; all was not lost. Here, in a place that some would consider God-less I reconnected and I began the journey inwards.
My time on the island could not last forever and back at home I needed to continue what I had started. I cut myself off from others, I continued to pray, meditate and allow my thoughts and soul to be free. Soon I had received what I needed, a spiritual awakening and my new path had begun.
The more I follow my path the more I accept the life choices I have made and the consequences.
Before I went to the library a few weeks back I wrote that the right book would present itself at the right time. I left the library with Deepak Chopra’s The Third Jesus here it is discussed that Jesus spoke of meditation, of looking inwards to find peace and showed us how to connect with God and how Jesus’ teachings were linked to eastern beliefs. My path is now leading me to Tibetan Bardo’s, hypnotherapy and understanding the after-life.
I marvel at how my thinking is now protecting me and my life when once my thoughts were of harm. I am in awe of those who dedicate their life’s work to helping others to understand their own and I wonder where my own life’s work will fit in. I truly believe I am on the right path and will continue to learn and share my experiences.