My worst fear is that of being stabbed in the back.
I shudder when anyone approaches me, or worst, surprises me from behind. A loud noise, footsteps and even standing with my back to the sea all cause me to be fearful. I used to dream that I had been stabbed in the back, in the dream I felt nothing despite the rapid, numerous inflictions but the shock of the dream and my unheard screams to my tormentor to stop stayed with me all day.
I was once was attacked from behind by a group, kicked to the ground and beaten. I hid that event deep within me, only to re-emerge as PTSD later whenever I needed to use public transport.
Then within my relationships, how many times have people betrayed me with their actions, a ‘stabbing in the back’ of sorts, how many times?
As I learn more about myself, about the meaning of life and my souls true purpose I ponder on why I have such fears and how they have affected by daily life.
My circle is the smallest it has ever been. Traits of the agoraphobic restrict my daily activities. I am concerned about the growing need for more SSRI’s …. yet I am an intelligent woman.
I understand thoughts become things but I challenge that everything in life is controlled under the umbrella of CBT and Mindfulness? Did I not live almost thirty years without knowledge of behavioural practice in play, or do we only concern ourselves with our cognitive behaviour if the behaviour is negative?
For two years and four months I have lived a life of seclusion, sedation and self-reflection and it is a small time in comparison to the time I spent fully functional – but how functional was I really?
Am I simply confusing myself? I want the CBT and Mindfulness to work for me, I want to be free of my fears and go back out into the world with a better outlook, the ability to gain new friendships and serve my life’s purpose, but, what if my life’s path is to do exactly what I am doing?
As I go into a new way of thinking old ideas and beliefs must come with me or be left behind. I prepare myself to say goodbye to irrational fear and embrace a life of unconditional happiness. I trust more and more in my new beliefs and this in turn produces a positive reaction and peacefulness. I do not watch my every move and thought, I do not believe that if I feel fear or sadness I will fall into old traps. My new thinking is more than cognitive thought, it is doing, being and becoming.