I think I know where all this is going, its where it always was headed, I saw the signs so many times I simply refused to put the pieces together.
Despite growing up with my head in books and no real relationships with others I still believed that one day my life would be of that which I had read about and yearned for. Deep down I knew I possessed no skill for gossiping about mundane things, always challenged group mentality and would continue to attempt to squeeze my square peg into the averageness of a round hole.
Sometimes I welcomed and cherished my individuality. Sometimes I applauded my skills of conversing on topics that blew the average mind, sometimes I smiled secretly about the cleverness of the ability to debate both sides of a controversial argument but most of the time I felt alienated and alone, that my ideas were pragmatic and far-fetched.
It began alone when I was a small child when I wanted a different ending to my story, I wanted a lesser character to become triumphant and given a larger role. I began to construct the stories in my head then at night when I was supposed to sleep I went further and added in more and more detail until the story was my own and I was the lowly character. I invented scenarios for myself replaying story lines where I overcame adversity and became the heroine.
The ability to construct my own destiny gave me a confidence that outside of my ‘dreaming’ I could not have gained. I could talk to anyone regardless of age, I was pleasant and able, most importantly I knew that a natural curiosity would take me somewhere unexpected.
Call Me Yentl
Around sixteen I declined to be confirmed into the Catholic faith and began to study the ancient teachings of Kabbalah where my curiosity and spirituality blossomed. The idea that “when we are on a spiritual path, we are seeking solely to reconnect with the Light” was inspiring to me. The idea that wether Jewish, Christian or Buddhist the ‘light’ is beyond religion, that the future lay in a peaceful thinking and achieving true fulfilment by acknowledging the universe and life purpose.
For me knowledge is king and I am happiest with my head in a book, a pen in my hand and a notepad nearby to jot down my thoughts. For all the reading, all the characters, situations and conundrums I have encountered nothing is as pleasing as real-life interactions and first hand accounts of personal stories. I suppose that is what led me to postpone university and take up a career where I could both talk to people and make them feel good about themselves.
The Ugly Side of Beauty
My career in Beauty led me often to cross paths with those practicing holistic therapies and into conversations of spirituality. It was at this time I also began to seek answers for my infertility but my mind was hurt and confused and I could not give into Reiki, Reflexology, Acupuncture or simple breathing techniques/yoga.
It was also at this time where I was ‘chosen’ to go on a seminar with a well known yogic-hypno-master-of-psycho something. I was at a great point in my career but I sensed more and more that the Director of the company I worked for wanted my thoughts to be more inline with her own. I was told I had great powers of persuasion and a talent for sensing the needs and wants in others and delivering them – this can also be read that I was an extremely good sales woman. I saw that the focus was more financial and an inner conflict emerged within me. I was proudly passionate about my industry and felt enormous satisfaction on seeing a client transform before my eyes and felt a sense of achievement to be working to improve the lives of women. I felt that my industry joined women together like tribes of old yet I also understood that women (but not exclusively) relied heavily on compliments, treatments and procedures to help them to feel good about themselves. I also understood that therein lay a huge area of commerce that could be taken advantage of. This did not sit well with me. At each Management meeting the subject of the seminar, how it would benefit our lives and enrich us all was continually brought up. We would all talk of our personal achievements and this would prove how with specialist training we could hone our skills and be even better than we ever imagined.
The pressure began to amplify at work and the focus was shifted from holistic health to how to extract the most amount of money per client per session. I took my integrity and left. Unfortunately the country was about to begin a period of despair but the conflict over extortion and value stayed with me.
Not a Girls Girl
I have never been particularly successful although at first glance it could seem as though I have been. I do things naturally and spontaneously and this is both to my benefit and detriment. I work openly and honestly and believe that I am approachable because of this. I am a great listener yet I am also a terrible talker, I put this down to not speaking for long periods then getting over excited at my first opportunity. I do not have close friends and dip in and out of groups making it clear that I am a blow-in. I still do however highly value the company and friendships of those around me. This airy-fairy way allows me to be friends to everyone and foe of none. I do not go in for gossip, and if I do find myself in a group I usually provide light hearted entertainment with my silly stories and terrible habit of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
A few years back an awful thing was done to me causing me to distance myself away from a girl who wronged me. Instead of understanding and backing me the group ignored what happened and when confronted with the truth they backed out and eventually sided with the girl for fear of making a divide. I left the group never to return.
My integrity is a key part of myself and I have always given my time freely to others. I believe I am thoughtful, kind and considerate, never setting out to hurt or harm. I have a deep faith which I practice and strive to live in a world of peace and harmony, where everyone is loved and happy.
As smiley and peaceful as I am, I was enraged. The rage consumed me and my anger boiled within. Anger turned to loneliness and then to despair and depression. As in my work life so was my friendships destined for everyone to take advantage of my good nature and then leave me high and dry when I did not conform to what they wanted me to do.
Having been brought up Catholic I knew how to turn the other cheek, but did I want to? I had also learnt Kabbalah and knew that challenges presented themselves at every turn and that personal growth would be hindered until the challenge was overcome – but what was I to do?
The Truth is OUT There
I was injured and offended on top being alone, infertile and at a strange place in my career. I hurt EVERYWHERE – my mind, my body – my soul ached for something that I could not satisfy.
I began to look inside. I closed my eyes and did what I did best, I pictured a life where I was happy and free to be myself without judgment or pain. I asked myself how I could make this happen, I asked myself where this would happen?
I decided to trust in myself. I took myself off to the white island and meditated everyday.
I slowly began to smile. Here was a place where many had gone before me, where their laughter, song and experiences can still be felt. Maybe this was the place for people like me. Each day I went and sat, and watched and relaxed, the sun shone brightly. I met people who wanted to have fun, to sing, to love, eat and dance. I met some who wanted to learn, most wanted to see a different place, to understand a simple yet highly sort connection to others. The rest did not yet know.
I think I know where all this is going, its where it always was headed, it was destined to free me from myself, to stop pleasing others and please myself. I had nothing left to give but lots to gain. I left the white island with the knowledge that love was next to come