I am back on the amitriptyline and so far have nothing major to report after my five days break apart from a desire to sleep shortly after waking and the absence of colourful dreams. Everything is dull and grey. My life is in greyscale. I have though had an increase in flashing electrical lights before my eyes. I once described this to my mental health practitioner who asked me if I felt ‘special‘? With a history of hallucinations and auditory hallucinations I can tell you that I bloody well do not! I am sure the padded cell was waiting for me as I said this. As with the former everything I experience is a result of medications or hormones.

Never in my life had I seen flashing lights or white spots in my vision before I started SSRI’s. When I was on Duloxitine I experienced a flooding of (I am guessing here) adrenaline that I could feel around my body making me feel sick. I would also experience a juddering sensation in my head that would make me dizzy and again make me feel sick. As I could not describe this sensation adequately to my GP I remained on the meds until I could not take it anymore.

Most of the meds I have been given have made me feel numb, dull and half a person. Life in greyscale. Not black or white; an eerie in between nothingness.

I do dream so that is good, I am reaching stages of REM sleep however I do not feel refreshed. There is still a long way to go I guess before I am used to the meds and my life leaves the greyscale stages


2 thoughts on “Greyscale

  1. Finally, I have found a soul that makes sense of the darkness. I have read several of your posts and unfortunately, it is almost impossible to separate my ideas that relate to each of them. While there are other similarities, I think that the darkness, which for me is unending depression, is most what we share. I will follow you if you allow it as it may be of benefit to read another’s anguish and know that I am not alone. (I live in the USA)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I decided this year to speak the truth and never again suppress myself and make myself sick with pleasing others. You are never alone even if physically you are. I am so glad that by sharing how I feel I have connected with another. I look forward to reading your posts and wish you love & light xx


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