I was floored today when the unthinkable happened and everything crumbled around me. My brain started to do funny things, feelings came from nowhere, melancholy flooded my system. Silent tears slid slowly down my face, my eyes started to close as the overwhelming pain from my heart shut down my organs one by one. Hours later I have no appetite, no ability to move from this spot, a heaviness, a dullness, a nothingness.
My brain is clever, it knows I do not have to feel this way, it can make me worse or it can make it go away. I try to dismiss the movie-reel it plays out for me, try to distract myself, but I am alone; just me against my own mind. I see myself in the movie-reel, I see myself acting out different scenarios.
Could I? Would I?
I hear a whisper ‘Run, run away’ but I cannot, I am fixed to the spot.
If I can get through the day then I will be ok, ‘one day at a time’ I think positively to myself. ‘One day at a time fighting my own mind‘ hisses another whisper.
oh! who will save me from myself?
For the first time in a long time I look disdainfully at the sedatives in my hand, I do not want them but I know what will follow if I do not swallow them.
My skin is already prickled, soon my heartbeat will increase to a pounding and I won’t be able to catch my breath. A ringing will sound in my ears along with a cacophony of animal noises, screams, fast beats and sinister laughter – whatever the combination the sounds terrify me. Heat will rise from my neck and linger around my ears, light will flash before my eyes and nausea will creep up until I retch. All my senses are heightened yet disorientated, I am confused, my blood runs backwards and darkness falls upon me.
I do not understand what is going on yet I understand perfectly. This is psychosis. Triggered by todays earlier events. Will I see how far it will go or will I stop it before it is too late… but only I can save me from myself.
I want to fight, I did not trigger myself off. Why should I have to sedate myself because of the actions of another? Why must the actions and words of another hurt me so much that it sends my mind into a downward spiral into hell? If you haven’t been there you do not know what it is like, but I have been down there and well, I am not so sure that I do not like it.
Down there it all makes sense. Everyone does in fact hate you, someone is definitely following you, you are a bird, you can fly and the voice you hear can is telling the truth.
The ringing in my ears gets louder.
No! I do not want this.
I swallow the sedatives and pull the covers up over my face and calm my breathing.