Talk about the good news of the day. Talk about what you love and bring what you love to you. Mark 11:24
Hmmm? the good news of the day? well so far I attended a bootsale with my older Sister it was her first and I ended up doing all the work as she sheltered herself from the 6am wind in the car. I brought my bows along but only sold a handful, I suppose it is good news that I finished them and sold five.
When I first became unwell with the chronic pain from my undiagnosed Endometriosis or PMDD I did not know what to do with myself. I was convinced in the first year that I would be returning to work. After my second surgery I couldn’t not walk or raise my hands and I sat in bed very unhappy and watched each day go by.Then someone (I think my baby sister) asked me to embellish her Converse and I ended up Swarovski’ing a load of them including baby shoes (too cute!). In the second year I began to paint and draw as therapeutic expression, I was already journalling so this kept my hands busy. By Christmas I was bored and started to look for new things to do. A friend asked me to Swarovski a bow for her daughters hair and I decided to start making bows! Now it was a casual idea that worked around my menstrual cycle and I did not really have any desire to actually sell them.
This is what I do, this is what I love
I am a giver. I do things or at least used to do things because I love to do them. Take my Sister’s converse or the baby bow. The gift or giving is what motivates me. The Swarovski baby shoes are cuteness overload and I love Love LOVE to give them as presents. I do not want to sell them nor do I factory line assemble them. Everyone is always ‘at’ me to sell them here, sell them there, but I just do it to turn my pain into happiness. Maybe I am crazy? Maybe I should stay clear of children and babies but I just cannot. All I wanted to do was have children and watch them grow and see if I really had the patience of a saint!
Now I can talk all day about children but I will never get one so I cannot bring what I love to me, however by making the bows I kinda did bring children to me today. Today I watched all the little girls coming up to my stand and looking at the bows. I do not get sad or broody or anything I just love the company of children and always have.
Most of the time I do not want to make anything. I hurt. I am sad. I mourn. I may never get over being infertile, the older I get the worse it hurts. I know I need to ‘pull myself together’ ‘get over it’ and all the rest, but I do not know how. I had such a fantastic career but I do not miss it anymore. My motivation is gone.
Mark 11:24 like all bible lessons are hard to implement, to be honest anything that promotes you to be positive and loving is hard. I spread no negativity but I will not fool you into ever believing that I am happy or accept my infertility. I do not fight the acceptance but my heart is heavy. I send love & light to all the infertile, fertility challenged and also those perfectly fertile alike. I wish no hurt or harm to others. I hope in the future I find something to love and I hope that I bring that love to me. But for today if you find yourself down due to illness or pain express yourself for others; paint a picture, make a card or try to fashion a bow, as sometimes the gift of giving is the best way to make you smile.