She asks what trust means to me. The breath stops in my chest, tears pool in the corner of my eye ready to spill out. ‘Everything’ I mumble looking out at nothing in particular. A sandstorm of all the people who have hurt me swirl around my mind as I remember a flash of betrayal then a snippet of abandonment. I wonder how I have any trust left.
‘I suppose my definition has changed over the years. Everyone deserves a fair chance but now? well now I just cannot have anyone around me even though I need to learn to trust again. ‘
I think about my neediness, my welcoming arms, friendly smile and realise I invite these bloodsuckers to me. I give too easily. Pragmatist to the end, always believing it will get better.
I should not trust myself. I should trust that I will attract the wrong person, be taken advantage of again, be the loser, again.