is it I am depressed or I have depression? whatever the correct term is that’s me. I fought it for so long and now that its out I can move on … or can I? I do not think I started out as depressed, at first I was scared, slightly anxious maybe of the future, tip-toeing around the truth, sinking glass after glass of wine in an attempt to keep it at the back of my mind; and then I went mad and it was there for everyone but me to see.
When I was displaying my crazy it was like I was on a treadmill going backwards, wearing bright neon and a feather boa whilst trying to juggle kittens! What came out of my mouth, what I was thinking and what I was doing were separate things, nothing joined, nothing made sense. In my head however I thought I was in control – sure look at the skill of kitten juggling, I look totes amaze (totally amazing my US pals) and like yeah, I know this thing is going backwards because I programmed it to. Whatever was going on I had my reasoning.
I am not quite sure I actually processed any of the crazy things I did at the time. Some, actually most of the things I did were dangerous as I carelessly challenged the gods by flirting with death. I was ‘acting out’ if you like, refusing to accept my fate, running around at 3am on my own, flying high as a kite, or getting into altercations with strangers. And then after that everything had to be dramatic. I found myself in situation after ludicrous situation. All my emotions were on conflicting hyperdrive, I loved harder without loving at all, I had the MOST fun without actually enjoying myself, I argued hard but in the middle forgot which side I was on. As I said I had a reason and excuse for everything.
My Mother was the first to say it. ‘Everyone understands that you are depressed about your infertility but you need to let go of your grief and move on with your life’ Boom! just like that I was silenced.
I began to try. I went away where no one knew me. I thought a lot. I tried to visualise. But I couldn’t. What is my life to be? will it work out? will it be a good one? Will I ever feel that it has meaning?
Sadly it will never work out the way I once thought it would but for the future all I can do is try and hope.