Namaste my Lovelies may love and light be with you always. I am in a freakishly radiant mood today. I had a delightful rest and now I am ready to begin a new chapter of my life. Whoa whoa whoa I hear you cry! where has the depressive grief ridden girl gone and who are you? I am in fact that same girl I have simply opened my eyes to the light that was always there.
Yesterday I woke up did my usual morning sigh as the heaviness weighed down upon me and I felt I needed to go back to sleep despite having woken five minutes earlier. I felt alone, I felt confused and realised that I needed to get out, so I went to my favourite place, the library. I only went to renew a book that I am struggling to finish, I usually toss books like this out of the window but somehow its lighthearted gothicky style is compelling me to read on but seriously, four weeks is a record for me. Anyway I could never visit my favourite place without aimlessly wandering the aisle inhaling that fusty old people smell without my eye catching something, and something it did.
As you may have read here before I am extremely interested in the soul, life purposes and understanding where I fit in. Down in the depths of depression I rarely expand my thinking and perpetuate the pain cycle by focusing on negative thoughts. It is madness and it has to stop. There is a whole wide world out there and connecting yourself to it instead of isolation is the key and I have known this for some time. Last year I ran away and found myself sitting on a cliff on a beautiful summers day. The glimmering ocean lapped at the rocks under me and not even a bird dared to disturb the cloudless sky above.Despite feeling suicidal I could not help but marvel at the beauty surrounding me. I was not planning to jump right then but I had decided that this was the spot. As the sun shone down warming my skin, the breeze gently lifted stray curls upon my head, I was struck by a desire to lie down. It was an awkward spot and very uneven but I managed to dangle my legs slightly off the cliff edge and lie flat. I closed my eyes. I suddenly saw myself writing in that very same spot. I saw myself sending letters, emails, sitting casually and happily safe in the knowledge that my life was ok. I stayed there for several hours and for the first time in a long time I was at peace. I could feel the ground beneath me and I felt the vibrations of all that was around me. I felt connected and part of this world. Suicide and sadness disappeared. I decided to go to the same place as often as I could, to think, to meditate and to just be. The summer however does not last forever and soon I was back in the dark, but light always conquers darkness.
Once you have seen the light you can never be the same as you once were. Once you open your mind and allow the truth that you have always known to be true – that there is more to life than what you know, that things happen for a reason, that the choice is yours and that happiness and love starts from within. Once you open your mind you can never go back.
I do not believe in coincidence. Yesterday I wanted more from the day, I wanted to be happier, lighter and begin to move forward. I brought home two books on the soul (Dr Brian Weiss & Anne Jones) a book on spirituality (Paulo Coelho) and a debut novel by an award winning writer (Eleanor Catton). When I got home there was an interesting email in my inbox which made me smile, I received a long awaited phone call and I felt great. I read The Soul Connection by Anne Jones in bed and it spoke to me as I knew this was the book I needed and the words I needed to hear.
Today I feel different. This week is going exceptionally well for me, I am lifting myself out of a dark place and I feel better for it. I will spend the rest of the day reading and relaxing. I will meditate and reflect on the good things, small accomplishments and be grateful for my experiences. I will think about my life purpose and how I can lead a better life.
I wish you all health and happiness, Love and Light xx