So I have just told you how somehow I have managed to pull myself together and start work like all the other fully-functional people of the world when I go into the bathroom (warning for males or squeamish here) and see red, like oh my God what the actual f*ck is that spot of blood doing there?? I burst into tears (typical) and start to panic and hyperventilate and think that I may as well lock myself in and die right there on the spot! Dramatic I hear you say? No I am not.
I have amenorrhea (no menstrual flow) I also have no eggs (undetectable levels) so to see blood in my underwear is both terrifying and distressing for me. Yes I may have dealt with my infertility demons and understood that no I am not like most women but just this small thing, this drop, this nothingness to you is sooooo majorly something big to me.
It hurts. not physically but right in the center of my heart. All my baby dreams and plans come hurtling back; my life as a mother, my personal growth, the friends I will never meet a baby/toddler group, the man who will never love me because I gave him something special. All those parties and functions and parent evenings i will never attend and all the lonliness I face forever….
I am f*cked. As if London town sympathizes with me it starts to rain. Good! May it thunder and lightening and ruin Bank Holiday Weekend! Ok ok I do not really wish for Armageddon but I have not seen my menstrual flow for fifteen years and I do not want to see it now for no reason. Maybe a small cyst burst or maybe some old lining shed from my useless uterus … who cares? I am having a mini meltdown all over a drop of blood, a drop of blood that sends a tidal wave of pain crashing down upon me 😥