What Ever Happened To Baby Fem?

I’ve been busy working in my new job. I am the super smiley, super efficient, all capable, all knowledgeable, always there, always immaculate, front of house person. I commute into the eternally astonishingly breath-taking city that is London Town; waking early and leaving late. I am the opening scene to The Devil Wears Prada I am (or I have to be) the girl who chooses her clothing wisely, selecting the precise piece, the correct footwear, my hair is clean, my nails manicured, I am on time, I am ready for the day, I am … organised?

What happened? In a week I have morphed back to my old self, albeit a better version. The new philosophy is still here, the calmness and personal growth but I wonder if my Ego is on the return intent on destroying me from within. I am like a two faced coin and until I understand myself more I will not know which side I am.

It has been a tough week. In my interview my true-self shone out of me, a bright transfixing aura speaking louder than any of the words that came out of my mouth. I was delighted to accept the offer, thanking the universe for recognition and opportunity. At home my family gave me all-knowing nods, their secret knowledge that I am worth more than I think bound up in unconditional love. Deep down I know what I am capable of but down there also lurks fear and anxiety. I was immediately put to work with adrenaline and excitement propelling me through the week.Then came day five, hour number 34 out 54 and I hit the wall. Sitting in my favorite black outfit with perfectly applied professional make-up with a red lip, the tears started to stream down my M.A.C. Love Thing blusher cheeks. Down they poured.

Two weeks ago I lay in bed and thought how awful the last two years had been and marveled at how I had gotten through, yes gotten through them, past tense. I am on the other side. just about. From this side I can still feel all the pain and emotion from the past yet know the light is calling me into my new future. From this side I also know where I am right now is a direct outcome from where I have been, what I have learnt and where I still have to go.

I am conscious that this new shiny happy me outwardly me also contains the inward and both sides can in fact work together. I will never be the same and I would not expect to. Change is good, change is healthy. So as the tears rolled down my face I did not try to stop them, I let them flow, I want what is inside to come out. I experienced a new found respect for myself. I was assessing myself, taking care of myself, making sure that what happened before did not and would not happen again. I had such a great day.

I hope this is the start of great things to come. I feel good, I feel in control and although I can feel the other side calling me from time to time I am safe in the knowledge that from this side, the side I worked so hard to get to, going back is not an option as I have forgotten the way.

Love & Light

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