I have been working for about a month now and trying to find a balance has been so difficult for me. I decided to do a deep meditation programme so my mind would be peaceful and calm, to keep my anxiety at bay and not knee-jerk back into a fearful and doubting state. Unfortunately meditation requires you to calm the mind and to do this you must address the issues that arise as they arise.
My first week I was excited and quickly fell into a pattern as the learner. The second was more bumpy as staff quickly forgot I was new and started to order me around. The third, well, lets just say I was ready to go back to the comfort of my bed, staring at the moon, crying and hating myself again.
I am both things at once, always. I am happy, positive, forward thinking, considerate and kind; always. I am also depressed, negative, stuck in the moment, self-sabotaging and hateful; always.
I began to go through the stages of meditation and it was so hard to give love to myself. I wasn’t sure that this was the right thing for me. I was scared. I was anxious of what would happen, what I would become if I gave love to myself.
I am very visual so imagining myself enveloped in pure light or floating in the galaxy is easy, imagining myself happy is not. Everyone with depression hopes for happiness, but to imagine yourself truly happy with no worries or fears or problems that is something else. I began by addressing my obvious and bigger issues. I tried not to get into detail, to allow my mind to sort my issues out. Strange and random people came to mind, awkward situations and lots and lots of pain.
I began a guided meditation which helped greatly to keep focus on why I was examining this issue and what I wanted form it. I began to slowly let go of issues and reclaim lost energy given over to gossiping, arguing and fighting these battles – it truly takes more energy to hate than love. I was drained. It was hard to work. My appetite waned along with my concentration. I felt heavy with toxins.
I continued the meditation program and will do for the next few months. I accept that I am all things. I accept that with the light is the darkness and that with love; loneliness, sadness and pain come too.