Both things at once

I have been working for about a month now and trying to find a balance has been so difficult for me. I decided to do a deep meditation programme so my mind would be peaceful and calm, to keep my anxiety  at bay and not knee-jerk back into a fearful and doubting state. Unfortunately meditation requires you to calm the mind and to do this you must address the issues that arise as they arise.

My first week I was excited and quickly fell into a pattern as the learner. The second was more bumpy as staff quickly forgot I was new and started to order me around. The third, well, lets just say I was ready to go back to the comfort of my bed, staring at the moon, crying and hating myself again.

I am both things at once, always. I am happy, positive, forward thinking, considerate and kind; always. I am also depressed, negative, stuck in the moment, self-sabotaging and hateful; always.

I began to go through the stages of meditation and it was so hard to give love to myself. I wasn’t sure that this was the right thing for me. I was scared. I was anxious of what would happen, what I would become if I gave love to myself.

I am very visual so imagining myself enveloped in pure light or floating in the galaxy is easy, imagining myself happy is not. Everyone with depression hopes for happiness, but to imagine yourself truly happy with no worries or fears or problems that is something else. I began by addressing my obvious and bigger issues. I tried not to get into detail, to allow my mind to sort my issues out. Strange and random people came to mind, awkward situations and lots and lots of pain.

I began a guided meditation which helped greatly to keep focus on why I was examining this issue and what I wanted form it. I began to slowly let go of issues and reclaim lost energy given over to gossiping, arguing and fighting these battles – it truly takes more energy to hate than love. I was drained. It was hard to work. My appetite waned along with my concentration. I felt heavy with toxins.

I continued the meditation program and will do for the next few months. I accept that I am all things. I accept that with the light is the darkness and that with love; loneliness, sadness and pain come too.

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3 thoughts on “Both things at once

  1. Hi. What are are your duties at your new job? Are they mundane of do they challenge you? I can very easily describe myself just as you have and so truthfully know at least part of what you feel. Remember that what others might think of you isn’t nearly as important as your confidence in your own abilities and self worth. You truly are not alone!

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  2. I am front of house manager for a large hairdressing company. Work is not challenging but delivering high levels of customer service makes me smile. Work will never fulfil me. I have so many certificates, degree & read endless books but always want more. I guess that’s why I tried this deep meditation so i can be happy and feel that my life is enough!?!
    How are you? Are you feeling any more balanced these days??

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