I wrote constantly last year, filling journal upon journal with short musings, travel writing and how I was feeling. By Christmas I wanted to share my work but I was under a cloud of depression and hopelessness. I started my blog (I think) to tell myself something, something that I had known for a long time, something that I had known but was too afraid to admit; that I was actually ok and on the right path.
For a long time possibly most of my adult life I have been extremely frustrated with myself. This frustration led to feelings of being trapped, of being played, a victim of the system. My dreams and goals were always big and wonderful, I wanted to push myself and learn as much as I could, I wanted to enjoy life. I achieved a great deal in a short space of time but things did not feel right. I had worked my way up to a dream job, then owned my own business, had a lovely house to live in, a lovely partner, friends to drink wine with, clothes, shoes and handbags – I also had an overly affectionate mutt of a dog … I had it all but I felt empty. My period has been missing all of that time and I knew it was time to stop listening to the Doctors who told me everything was fine and investigate. The investigation led to everything I knew to end.
I was told I was infertile and had no eggs around the time my perfect relationship ended, I closed my business, moved and lost all but one friend. People looked at me differently, treated me differently; I was kept at a distance. I craved normality or what I thought to be normality. I wished for my old unsatisfactory humdrum life back. I just wanted to be like everyone else.
It has been happening for as long as I can remember. The signs were always there. I have always known.
December 2012 I thought I was schizophrenic. There was noise, there was confusion, there was pain. Over the next two years I was to become mentally unhealthy. Everyone watched my demise although I should say I told everyone of my demise, desperate for help, calling to everyone and anyone through social media with everyone watching and nobody helping.
I was alone. I was experiencing so much physical pain with no real reason. Doctors scratched their heads, moved me from pillar to post, maybe its endometriosis, maybe its PMDD, maybe you have POF…. maybe?. My FEAR of the unexpected grew and grew. I was whisked in for surgery, had parts removed, was tested for cancer then tested again. I trialled this and that drug all whilst holding on to the desperate belief that I would somehow get my old life back but I was moving further and further away.
I realised this was not going to happen in August 2013 my mental state plummeted and I was hospitalised for ten days. A team of people were then recruited to help me. Lyn my counsellor, a home care team who watched me take my meds, staff at my university…. all my relationships were strained. My Parents did not know what to do with me, my sisters just looked at me with sad eyes. I retreated to my room.
The insomnia at that time was its most intense it has ever been as days passed without a minutes sleep. the insomnia would induce the schizophrenic like states and days without sleep would lead to increased pain. I began to watch the phases of the moon. I convinced myself that my ‘cycle’ was in sync with the moon and that I ovulated with the new moon and menstruated with the full moon (this has never been proven and probably inaccurate but it soothed me somewhat). As I do not menstruate it is anyones guess. Staying up with the natural light made me feel better and it was the days that were harder to manoeuvre as I felt less and less in sync with society and everyone around me. I began having major flashbacks to my childhood and past. Lots of confusing segments of life that I could not piece together or understand.
Everything seemed to weigh down on me and although I managed to pull myself together and begin to attend university again I craved something more. I missed dreaming. I missed making goals and feeling happy. I felt as if I did not know myself, did I have a personality disorder? was I bipolar? who was I and why was I? I read and read through university. I wrote and wrote. I knew I had an escape or an entry back to my dreamworld. I knew that if I kept writing that I would find out who the real me was. I was not a pod person, I was not normal, I was not someone who believed that this was all there was.
Early one morning I stumbled upon a mantra ‘you are more than your physical body‘ and I began to use my insomnia to enter a lucid state but I was only learning and I did not fully believe. Slowly I reclaimed the hours back and began to sleep. Despite being severely depressed and suicidal I made it to Graduation with the help of countless individuals, some of whom have no idea that they even helped me. But I was still broken and confused. I took off to the White Isle where I connected to nature every day, sat in quiet contemplation, pushed the boundaries of reality and began to believe. I am more than my physical body, there is more to life than this. The sun beat down on me and I was HAPPY.
I returned home and nothing made sense again. Everyone was so fixed on money, material possessions, being rich, being better than the next person, labelling others, making others miserable, or just plain being miserable! I began to wonder why I was alive. Life was no fun. Was life on other planets like this too?
I had another awful spell of depression so returned to the White Isle as sectioning was my only alternative.
I began to teach myself to Love myself, I told myself that I was as good and that even if I was infertile that God had other plans for me and always had and most importantly I had always known this to be true. In about a month I was feeling better so when I returned home the second time I was grounded and calm. God was looking after me as he always had. I am made in his image and I am perfect just as I am.
I fell in Love at Christmas. everything I had ever wanted to hear was told to me, I did not question anything as I was in Love. I began to believe what I was being told. Cracks began to appear as they usually do after a few months and my mental health was once again challenged. I had been here before – what was going on?
My pain returned and I decided to connect with others with a little blog, the content of which I wasn’t entirely sure but I started anyway. I was slightly a fraud. I wanted to spread awareness of invisible illness’ but which one did I have?
I was actively meditating and lucid dreaming. I changed meds and was convinced trauma from past lives were returning in my dreams, I was scared and confused. I felt as if I was in an unsafe place and not surrounded by the right people (I had moved away and playing house with my new man) Things were not as I wanted them to be. Then as quickly as it began it ended. For the first time ever I knew that my mental health was NOT going to plummet. I knew this was for the best. I knew that the cause of my pain was me and I accepted it.
My life is made up of choices, all of them my own. My happiness and unhappiness is my own making and I chose to become ill and depressed. I do not want to shock or offend but this is what I believe to be true. Maybe I did not choose for my hormones to not function properly but I buried my head in the sand when I stopped menstruating. Years later I wished for visible signs that I was ‘sick’ so other people could see and I got them. My unhappiness was down to not being infertile but knowing I could’ve had another life, a happier more exciting life. In my work I have chosen to take lower positions, to make less money as I was too afraid to believe in myself. This is my own story and mine alone. Somehow over the last six weeks my life has turned around. It is not medication nor sleep that has done this as I still struggle to sleep and feel no real benefits from my SSRI’s if I decide that today I am going to spiral down into the depths of depression. If I want to remember a sad memory and start crying I can do that right now and change the day from positive and happy to awful. After I cry something will go wrong, I will make a big deal out of it and then the day is ruined…. but not today as I chose to have a great day.
Fear is the most harmful emotion. Fear can kill. Think about it, I know I have.
If your past was full of negative, scary or shameful things let it go. If you dread going to work, school or home – you know this needs to change. You cannot change anyone else but yourself. My past is beautiful. I have made mistakes and taken so many wrong roads and right now I am on the right one. I used to cry ‘why me why me why me’ well why not?
Over the last six weeks I have been meditating every day. I have been addressing my old fears and anxieties. I cleansed my chakras especially my lower three, it hurt, I was drained but guess what – I haven’t felt pain in my ovary for a while….. I am enjoying being happy. The depression and sadness will always be there but I chose not to focus on it. I want to know what my happy future will be like. I am done with Doctors, I do not need them anymore. I choose to be happy and healthy.
I have been careful not to add in too much about connecting to your higher self as that is for another day. I hope that you can see that by focusing on yourself, turning the TV off, leaving the mobile behind and going somewhere peaceful and calm that you can really find inner peace. I used to call myself awful names, I was my worst critic, now I love myself and my foibles. The power is within. I feel as though I have healed myself. I no longer hate myself or feel worthless.
My little blog of sadness is changing, maybe you already knew that and could see my changes before I could, these changes are for the better. I still understand the pain of depression, suicide and grief and will always be here if anyone needs me. For now I hope these words give you something to contemplate. You can heal yourself. The power is within you.
Love & Light