Surprisingly I am not embarressed

I had to tell one of my best friends today the real reason why I had not spoken to him in several months. I had never put myself down as one of those girls who could be controlled or ‘ordered’ to do something that was against my principles but Love makes you do all kinds of crazy things.

I was not allowed to talk to boys. Sounds stupid but it was true. Out of respect and not demand I had cut several important people out of my life and now they were back I learned an important lesson.

Here are people who know me, people who love and care for my well being and along came a man who did not know me and could not have cared for my well being as he could never understand why I would want these men or ‘exes’ in my life. I want all people in my life wether I dated them or not. I learn lessons everyday and become a better person from it. I decide I am not embarrassed that I got swept away by the illusion of love. I did not know myself and he knew me even less.

We all want to believe proclamations of love. Who wouldn’t fall for the sweet words, the flowers and romance? But to love is to love all of somebody. Over the last few years I have had to pick up the pieces of my shattered dreams of my 2.4 life; the marriage, the kids and dog all gone. I had no idea who I was and it led me into a dark depression. Who am I and what is the point of my existence? I did not want to be part of the system, the game, the matrix. We are forced to believe this is the only way to be successful but I realised I am far from perfect and always will be because my perfection lies in and only in the belief that we make mistakes as we are on a journey of learning and NOT a quest for perfection.

When I realise this I am no longer embarrassed that my relationship is over, no longer ashamed that my life fell apart or that I went through the darkness to return to the light.

So as I sit across from my friend, a friend who was there for me in the darkest of of times, a friend who I cut out of my life for no good reason. As I sit there the words Thank You fall out of my mouth and I realise I am not embarrassed to be imperfect and never will be as in front of me sits someone who loves me just as I am.


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