I have not posted since I was promoted at work simply because my promotion felt like a demotion and I have struggled to keep from sinking into depressions quagmire.
I returned to work after finally finding the correct balance of head and health meds feeling absolutely delighted with myself. It was a challenge and one I thought I was ready for.
For three months I showcased my skills, did everything asked of me in a timely professional manner and established good relations with head office yet despite this when it came to my promotion I was thrown head first into a situation I was not prepared for.
Somehow head office refrained from asking or telling me that setting up the new branch was unpaid work. They next forgot to communicate that I would be required to work 70hours but only get paid for 42. They then let me find out for myself that lunch or breaks were not permitted…..
In efforts not to jeopardise my promotion I kept quiet. After two weeks with no day off I started to feel the usual signs of stress and anxiety creeping in. This then led to me over analysing the smallest thing, self criticism and then the feelings of hopelessness were back.
I had no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. I was made to feel that I was not being a team player or I was not helping the company. I was being taken advantage of and my punishment for not allowing this treatment would be to lose my job.
I cried constantly; I did not want to wake up in the mornings and that was after tossing and turning all night having trouble falling asleep. I did not eat but drank alcohol at every oppotunity! I felt a loss of control over my life and felt weak and bullied. I tried and tried to get someone to listen to me, to reduce my hours or treat me with respect but nothing happened.
I started to hear noises and the alarm bells finally went off. I promised myself I would never let anything drag me back to the depths of mental health again and here I was losing control, giving away power and feeling so boxed in the future looked bleak. Thoughts scrambled. The light began to go out. The end got closer. Then I dreamt I jumped off a bridge and enough was enough – one suicidal thought is all it takes for me to spiral back.
I had to find time for myself. I had to tell myself that it was NOT me putting undue stress on myself, that I deserved no less than any other and that if I had to leave I should be proud of myself and know that by putting myself first I was on the right path wherever it led.
I went into work one morning and new the light was going out of my eyes. My smile had long disappeared and in such a short time I had changed and was desperately unhappy. I sent a short concise email that I knew would upset the boys in the big boys club at head office. I waited all day to be ‘dealt’ with and when my time came I no longer cared.
Surprisingly they did. I was told I was an asset to the company and they didn’t want to lose me and had decided to reposition me until the next oppotunity arose that I was ready for. They thanked me for my hard work and sent me home.
I had given up on them, I had given up on my working relations, I gave up on myself. Despite this they had seen something in me and if they wanted to keep me they had to treat me better.
We are all fighting the battles; at school, work or privately inside our heads only deep down We know We are stronger than they would ever know.
Stay strong, stay unique, stay you