faced with too many decisions on how to spend my limited time off I plan to have a beautiful day with as many beautiful people that I can. I arrange to go to early morning yoga then take my niece and nephew to the toy museum and then meet the Turk for a drink before chilling watching X Factor with my family. This seems a happy day off and well planned out.
I began my morning panicking ignoring the fact that Anxiety has slowly crept back into my life. I panic over what to wear despite having planned it all out since six am. I check timetables and realise I will either be too early or late. I cannot make a decision. I am confused and then I realise I actually am late. My taxi has not arrived on time, the train is suspiciously delayed. The class has begun even though I am only three minutes late… My sister texts me saying not to bother with toy museum… not to bother?
I feel awful. I was looking forward to this day and really need the company of my family.
I make a quick decision not to get upset but to head to the park and practice a few asanas, just find a quiet space but when the bus pulls up outside the park I do not want to stretch. I want to write. Feelings surface and I am so emotionally weighed down with schedules and timetables I just want to cry. My life has become is a series of appointments and shifts, a never ending to-do list. Where is my time? Where is my time to live my life as I want to not simply jamming and cramming everything and everyone into one day??
Last night my friend played a special mix on his radio show and I sat in my room on my own in the dark letting his music take me away. All I could think about was writing. In that moment his musical vibrations spoke to me his language was stimulating my own. When his set was over I thought about my contribution what was I giving to the world. I thought about the people I met each day who went away smiling or happier and wondered how I remain so sad. I thought of all those people who put up pictures an status’ for 100 likes with my own never getting more than one or two. In real life I get more likes than anyone. I work with people and it is my job to ensure they leave smiling thus surely I am liked? The confusion set in.
I sit here now having not attended yoga nor the toy museum I wonder what else will not happen today? Maybe nothing should happen. Maybe I should simply spend the day writing – I suppose I’ve already started haven’t I?