Do what makes you happy 

i woke up on Monday morning anxiety stricken and restless. I couldn’t move my feet. I couldn’t get out of bed. Somehow I made it slowly down the stairs and into my parents bedroom. 

‘I’m calling in sick’ I announced. ‘Good morning’ replied my parents. ‘I’ve decided I am not returning to work because I am sick and tired. I am very sick and very tired of working for this company so I am taking some time off’

My parents say nothing. My screws have been loose for some time now and my outbursts are normal. They do not question my decision, my whole family know I am unhappy and heading back into the darkness of depression. 

Satisfied with my decision I call an agency and enquire to some temporary work. My prospects looking good I also receive an email from an old colleague saying her workplace are looking for people. As I weigh up the reality that I may be leaving I judge myself and create inner conflict. ‘Am I making the correct decision, am I rushing? Am I moaning….?’ 

This company work me like a dog, they tried to screw me over with my overtime pay and then tried to turn things around on me as if I were the problem; this company sucks! Why should I stay and watch my life drain away – I need a reality check.

Over the last few months I have kept myself going by chasing an illusionary carrot and now the jig is up. My company do not like me nor do they have any respect for me. I am simply a number and a low, meaningless one at that. 

Reflection: So far this year I have realised that all that glitters is certainly not gold and that I continue to surprise myself with my inner strength. 

Working and battling depression is not easy. When life is good, life is amazing but when life is bad then, well, life is desperate. 

I have kept going at work for my family, my friends and for you, on some mental mission to prove you can recover from depression, suicidal tendencies and illness but I was wrong. I will never recover as these things are part of me. With the smiles laughter and incessant chatter comes the quiet lows, the sadness and the pain. I am who I am.

Lately I have felt boxed in. Last year I renamed my bedroom ‘my coffin’ as I was sure I would die in that box. Now work is killing me, so before I turn on myself for not fitting into society, to the London life, to normality, I remember a few little words scribbled on a postcard

Do whatever makes you happy

I know what I have to do and I do it. I am happy. I am happy with myself and happy with my decision. Maybe I do not live in the real world, maybe I am careless and irresponsible but you know what I am my best when I feel happy. 

So today I send you Light & Love from my favourite place on the world, my White Island and as the sunsets here and I know I must go home tomorrow and face the music I wish you all happiness in life, even if it is only for a week. 

My struggle is real, I do not know where I belong or what my life purpose is but I do know that I can sit here hand on heart and tell you that this island makes me happy and when I am here I feel alive

Namaste x

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