When panic attacks…

trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger trigger. How many do you ignore before you’re on the cusp of a major breakdown?

Life is so different for me now that have returned to society and am dealing with symptoms of depression and anxiety and not battling or simply ignoring my mania. It seems a lifetime ago that I stared into the abyss, losing count of the empty hours and minutes, grasping at invisible thoughts and dreams. Now I am expected to function, to dress appropriately, to hide my feelings between the hours of 9-9. It is precisely this that makes me unhappy. The faking it. 

I’m standing in a rail ticket queue when tears fall from my eyes. I used to let them fall telling myself  ‘I’m crazy so it’s ok to do crazy things’ but I am no longer ‘crazy’; I work, I pay rent, I keep my shit together, well, I feel that I am fighting so hard to keep it all together. 

I wonder what it is that I am keeping together? I have a shit job, no friends, no money, no possessions … 

I am so stressed out over nothing at all. Should I still be under my doctors care? Is this a sign I am not ready for the real world – was I ever? 

I’m swimming in soup, I’m befuddled, I’m not better nor will I ever be, I simply manage myself in a better way …. I manage myself? So little makes sense right now

Feeling really lost right now…


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