Talking about it

i understand that some topics in life are hard to hear let alone hard to say but feeling like you cannot express yourself is far far worse and it is this predicament I find myself in again.

My cyst burst, a cyst I did not know I had until I felt an enormous pain and started to bleed large clots of blood. (Apologies for the overshare if you believe this is an overshare!) I had felt a strange ‘rippling’ feeling across my scar tissue over the last few weeks and had no idea what it could be, I couldn’t explain it and as it caused me no pain I was not sure if I should alert my Doctor. A few days ago I remembered the ‘ripple’ sensation and knew that it must have been the cyst twisting on its stem until it finally broke free of my ovary but who cared? 

My cyst was filled with water and not blood nor poison so it is no cause for alarm to anyone except me and over the last few years I have had so many grow and burst that it is just my own little problem. Occasionally some were bigger than others and so painful that I went to hospital only to be sent back home again.  I have had ultrasound scans that show the cysts in growth but if at the time of the scan it is less than 5cm I am sent home. 

The system to which I see anyone about my problem goes like this: GeneralPractitioner six to ten times a year. Gynaecological Specialist one to three times a year and Sonographer one to three times.

Considering a female is realising eggs on a monthly bases the infrequent and random visits mean my information is inconsistent. I have less than 5% eggs so how and why I have so many cysts are baffling. I do not understand my own health problems at all.

Over the last five years of struggling with incredible pain and little information from medical professionals led to a complete mental breakdown.

This year I have been extremely fortunate to have only five cysts cause me pain, three of which happened at the start of the year and I was fortunate to have gone the summer relatively pain free, but here I am again…

Keeping my mental health together has been quite hard. The blood clots are large and I would guess this cyst was more clementine in size than a golfball or grape. Also the vision of the cysts mixed in with blood makes me think of miscarriage which then makes me think of infertility which then makes me question my whole pathetic existence and here we go again.

How I am holding myself together I do not know. I am sad and in pain but no one wants to hear it, no one wants to help me through it. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it …

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4 thoughts on “Talking about it

  1. You are talking about it and you have at least one person listening.
    I’ve had reproductive health issues since I hit puberty so I do understand the pain and confusion in trying to understand what is happening to your body.
    I hope someone within the circle of medical professionals that treat you come up with some answers for you soon. I’m sending you positive energy to support you and help you hold it together or fall apart if you need to.

    Like

    • Thank you so much and Love & Light to you. This has been the most challenging five years of my life and I am more shocked at how I am coping as its only just over a year since the confusion and pain had me feeling worthless and unable to think about my future. I’m now so mentally healthy that I am able to see that no this pain is not tolerable and that this cyst is not normal!
      I really appreciate any reader who understands what I am going through and especially those who read my blog and stop for a few moments to contemplate what it is like for others xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the taboo aspect of gynaecological issues doesn’t help, does it? If you want to talk, you want to talk – and that’s understandable! I hope you’re feeling better by the time you read this. Take care x

    Liked by 1 person

    • I have been unbelievably strong the last few months and possibly have been practicing my own style of ‘mindfulness’ and making positive changes to my life. I do feel better but I am determined to get some answers and a solution. As year six of undiagnosis rolls on it is time for this to stop and a focus on enjoying my life without pain or problem to start.
      Love & Light to you with many thanks xx

      Liked by 1 person

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