This year was progressive as it counted the least visits to the Doctors of all the last five years. 2015 saw fewer specislist, hospital administrations and medication trials than any other. All in all I was in the least physical pain.
I undertook sessions of CBT, found a drug for my insomnia which worked moderately well, returned to full time employment and most importantly started this blog.
This morning I awoke in a pool of sweat as I have done for the last few weeks. I am back to night sweating as I have phased progesterone out of my system. I am also back to interrupted sleep patterns as I am off the Amitriptyline. This lack of regulated synthetic hormone and brain stimulator has me feeling crazy depressed and polaric as my moods shoot high to low without cause or concern! but I welcome this return to normality as this is my body in its natural infertile state. I go into 2016 drug free and ready for treatment.
2016 will be the final year of health concerns I can just feel it. 2016 will be the end yet also the beginning of my life; my life without pain, heartache or confusion. I will begin to live my life – possibly without a uterus, possibly by talk therapy where understanding my infertility and not being ashamed, saddened or held back by it will inspire me to live my (new) dreams.
I realised the other day that the last five years had began to erode away at the person I used to be and here left was someone new, someone I neither know nor understand. This blog has helped me along more than I can comprehend right now. I sat this time last year thinking of names, of themes and how I could disguise the topic of female health in a lifestyle blog – I couldn’t! It had to be all or nothing. There could be no partying and cocktail holding here, no fake smiles, no advert for a fabulous single city lifestyle I do not posses.
Around February I decided to tell the truth, I wanted to be myself and find an audience that wanted me. As you see there is no fancy layout here, no journalistic slant, no over-cautious editing process (apologies for rushed unedited posts people) no links to Facebook or Twitter because this blog is not for popularity this is an outlet for how I feel. The response was overwhelming. People read my story, some offered advice, their comments received with the authenticity it was given and love given back. I read others’, I began to understand what it meant to share my story and it helped me find support in a lonely world.
Yesterday I saw my Doctor for the last time for 2015. The blood tests are being processed, soon I will have a date for an ultrasound scan; it is the beginning of the end.