I woke up and groaned pulling the covers back over my head. I have a headache, I feel low, I feel the heaviness. There is nothing to get up for. I muse over a possibility of getting dressed and going out. The panic rises within and I discard the thought. Should I meditate? try to relax? Relaxation itself taunts me as the confusion in my head intensifies and there is nothing to do but return to sleep.
Today is Friday, the Friday before Christmas, which precedes the busiest shopping weekend of the year. I will miss it all from my bed. Christmas is cancelled this year. Christmas is for other people, happy people, people whose lives continue whilst mine has stopped. Full stop.
I am not alone there are others who feel this way yet this does not comfort me. There will be phone calls and homes to visit but I cannot be social this Christmas. I know the more I cut myself off the worse I become. I understand my plight. It is a battle I continuously lose.
There will be a rare moment next week when I am sure I will not be like this. One hopes. I will be jovial and fun. One can only hope. I do not dislike my family, friends or the holiday itself, I understand this is a period of joy and of celebration yet despite this I cannot join in. I am just outside myself right now, detached, bereft; isolated in my melancholia.
Myself and countless others are aware that it is Christmas but we do not know it is as to know would be to feel and I feel so little right now. Christmas has lost its meaning.
Last night I put on the Christmas tree lights then the tv and watched a program. I did not glance over at the lights once. Usually I stare at those lights at the magic and nostalgia twinkling in the darkness. usually I scan the tree marvelling at the different baubles and how the light hits the decorations or presents below. The visual of the tree (a real tree no less) stimulates a response but that response is no longer there.
I do not know it is Christmas. The word, the meaning and symbolism is lost to me right now. I see Christmas all around me but it is nowhere within.