Preparing to go outside

Eight days ago I had to leave a job I was training for as I could not continue. Everyone sympathised as I had been under a tumultuous amount of stress and after the initial interview excitement the reality of such a fast paced hard sales job became a turn off. The unscrupulous sales techniques went against my personal philosophy and big flashing warning signs went off inside screaming ‘you are not motivated by money so stop ripping people off and find a new job!’
Everyone understood. I’ve been through a lot recently. I need a slower pace of life, one with less stress. I do not quite know what this means.

A week before Christmas and no one is hiring. I am ok for money but the boredom mixes with feeling useless and I am beginning to doubt myself. I have such few friends and am lacking in support – I say this but it is how I interpret support that is the problem.

I have signed up for talk therapy and this time I have a list of what I want to achieve from it. My Lonliness or detachment from people with ordinary lives must be addressed. I need to understand myself and start to move forward.

Since leaving the job I have been outside twice. Today I try not to cancel on a friend who asked me out for lunch. I take a sedative and there are more in my bag. I will be ok. If I panic I panic but I know I cannot shut myself away like this.


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