Tricky Customer

I am eating my first ever burrito and it’s super delish! Wait – Hold on a sec – the bottom is notoriously hard to eat without making a mess… Done it! I high five myself as not only was eating that burrito hard so was ordering it.

Social anxiety causes me to freeze and behave strangely in public places. I also have panic disorder which ruins everything. 

I had wanted to eat something new and after wandering around I came here. I am stressed and fidgety in the queue. I feel weird for no reason. I am well dressed as I have been to London and I hope my articulation and accent does not come across rude when I do not intend to be. I am clearly overthinking things as no one cares about my suit or my accent in a burrito bar!

The queue and service style is that of a Subway but I’ve never been here before. I whisper this over to the server, she doesn’t hear me so I repeat. She finally gets it abd offers me a choice of medium or large tortilla so that we can begin. The server handles me quite well start to finish. I have taken much longer than anyone else, I have asked questions, stared curiously at my options before making a decision … I am a tricky customer.

When confident I demand a finger snapping level of service and even quicker delivery but when in panic mode I am so different that the loss of control can sometimes force me to accept what I did not want or to simply abandon my original idea – this one happens a lot and I leave places in fear of embarrassment often. Even today I had thought of walking out without the burrito scared and intimidated but the server was understanding so triumphantly I am still here.

Intimidation is one of my main triggers of social anxiety. Fear of the crowd, the large space, the people. As I shrink the world gets bigger and scarier. Sometimes it is unbelievably hard to function at all. Some days I cannot even get out of bed and go for a pint of milk. Some days I do not eat or drink as I cannot get to the shops. As the former manager of a hair, nails and beauty salon I wonder how this can be – Me?!? But it can happen to anyone.

I have to navigate a train system to get home.  I am somewhat calm. A month ago I was so different, working and partying in London. Today I am a tricky burrito customer. 

I take each day as it comes. I am so glad I stopped for a burrito!


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