Predictions for a new year leave me cold

‘I’m off to see my psychic lady on New Year’s Day’ my friend excitedly tells me. ‘I don’t want to know about love but I’m at a crossroads in my career and I’ve no one to talk to so I’m thinking it could nudge me in the right direction. You should go too! 2016 is going to be your year’

A twinkle of wonderment flutters inside my heart – could this be something that I could do too? What would the psychic lady tell me? My friend sees my face and smiles and I ask her question after question on what she has been told in the past and we discuss wether we believe in prophesy from the spirits or if we create our own chances and fate in life.

So what is it I want to know? Well it is not romance yet it is always romance and relationship we enquire; even if not outright for we want new friends, new loves, new oppotuinites, wedding bells and pitter patter. I want to know about my health. Will I have my operation, a hysterectomy, a procedure that will put an end to the physical and mental pain that has plagued me the last five years. I cannot be put through the testing and unknowing anymore. Maybe I can, maybe I will have no choice, maybe my doctor will refuse; my heart saddens as I think this. How many times will my heart plummet when I am asked why I am not married, why I have no children? Saying I have had a hysterectomy stops awkward conversation cold. Dead. When in the early stages of a relationship, when things get intimate, when the issue of contraception is raised, then instead of embarrassment I can simply say hysterectomy instead of infertility – the passion killer. No longer will I be biopsied for uterine cancer nor will I have to explain my medical history over and over and over and over.

Will I return to work, will I be successful, will I write, will I travel…?  I realise that the psychic lady has no answer for me only I. Will I let my health take over another year or will it end? I am terrified and the light begins to go out as depression takes over. 

That night, last night, I cried myself to sleep. I am so alone in this journey, so unbelievably alone. Where is my husband, my children, my health or love of life. Why did this happen to me? I realise that hope has left me again. The psychic woman can tell me nothing that I do not know – that I must wait, that everything is eventual, that it will all be alright in the end – but now, right now, everything is dark and depressing.

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