‘What if I gave it all up?’ I whisper to theHungarian Girl but she doesn’t understand. God, signs, semiotics…. believing something better is worth waiting for.
I can hear her breathing down the phone her mind racing trying to figure out what I am saying and why?
Nihilizmus says google translate. I repeat it three times. ‘I do not know this word’ she says so I screen shot and message the word over to her. She is silent. I know she is wiki’ing the Hungarian for Nihilism.
A sharp intake followed by a tut. ‘Nooooo! Why do you say these things? I do not know you like this’
Her thick accent shames me. She is disappointed but her love for me is not altered.
I’m upset. Why me?, What’s the point?, When will it change? … Never ending inane questioning. I can sense her concern for me but she remains silent.
She listens as I turn my back on my belief system, everything I stand for, even my sense of self. She listens and doesn’t judge me and soon I realise how ridiculous I sound – life without pragmatism, hope or faith?? She listens as I come full circle; back to my reality.
In the darkness there is Nihilizmus but in my darkness there is a shining star, my friend, my support system. She shines brightly for me and in turn I shine back to her and slowly things begin to change; love is the point, love is always the answer.