Up and Down

A permanent feeling of discombobulation is not good, but as many of us have experienced not knowing what is going on inside our minds, bodies or worlds, has taught us to listen closely and learn what our inner dialogue wants us to know. I spend much of my time questioning my feelings; how do I feel today? How is my body, my mind and  my mood? The slightest change in my lifestyle can trigger off an endless spiraling out of control. On the way down the rabbit hole I am so disconnected from myself that I question if I am imagining my foul state/pain and wonder if I simply make myself sad. It is only on the way up again I realise the scale of the torment and struggle I have been through and appreciate how strong I can be. Having a hormone imbalance means something will always enevitably be up and another down. The irregularity of my flowing chi is trapped within, upsetting my personality. I eat well, I take casual strolls in the forest and meditate; yet despite all this, the familiar tightening together of strange thoughts pull me in and then the heavy weight of an invisible giant hand pushes me down. I float out to sea. I bob up and down waiting for someone to save me.

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