Yesterday was the day that I meet my new Lecturer and discussed my module options for my Masters. This is a day I have been waiting on since last July and began counting down the minutes for since Christmas. Suddenly it hits me. The reality of standing directly at the precipice of fulfilling my life’s purpose becomes all too real. Excitement leaves me and I begin to wonder what the point of it all is?
Actually it is not that sudden, panic has been following me around for a while, it disturbs me at night. I did not sleep well on Sunday night, I slept fitfully, awaking several times through Monday morning. I am awake at three am on Tuesday and yesterday I woke at six am, crying. Panic has insidiously snaked its way up from my toes and now grips my heart. I try to rearrange my schedule as another outfit hits the floor in disgust and outrage. Time slips silently away.
I am not happy. I want to return to my bed. I am late for work; trapped between the thought that I cannot call in sick as I have too much to do today and pleading with myself to take a sedative, go back to bed and wake up refreshed. I know I will not do the latter, instead I choose the wrong outfit, leave half of what I need behind and head out the door, crying.
I am halfway to work, thirty minutes late. I am no longer crying but tears are poised behind a delicate veil ready to spring forth at the slightest hiccup.
I try to recollect my last panic attack and give up as there is no point, it is a useless exercise, this is me, this is how I am sometimes. As I get off the train my heart is furiously thumping in my chest. I am tempted to go to Costa coffee but I know I need distraction not indulgence. I am crying by time I enter the office, I need tea, tea solves everything.
I make it through and everyone is supportive. I am anxious and I cannot hide it, I am not sure I want to go, I am not sure if I can. I feel sick. But today is by far the most important day of the year to be followed by a formal interview and the first day of term. Today means more to me than anything I can think of. Today embodies me; an evening of meets and greets, discussing my writing, finding a mentor and learning about what the future holds.
I am still gripped by panic. What will my new Lecturer think of my writing? Will they think me a suitable participant for the class? Can I really do this? I know deep down I am not scared, not intimidated or put off, this is what I want more than anything. So at the precipice I decide to jump