I am really happy today and for the first time since I was twenty two, Mothering Sunday has passed without as much as a raised eyebrow from me. It is over. Today on Happy You Have No Baby Day I am fine with things. I no longer desire a baby and I no longer mourn for one.
I will probably have to change my blog as I have survived infertility and I have jumped all of the famous stages of grief hurdles and now I triumphantly stand at the finish line.
Does this mean I am happy? cured?? No, no it does not. It simply means another chapter of my life is before me, one where my mental health is incorporated but not attach to infertility. When I am having a bad day, it is a bad day and it has nothing to do with being infertile.
How does it feel to be infertile, to know that it really and truly will never happen, that on this day each year until I die, I will never be handed a card from someone who has half my genetic makeup? I am not sure, however, it feels fantastic to be able to discuss these questions and feel a love for life again.
Writing has helped me in ways I cannot explain. Sharing my story, reading others’ and feeling connected again transformed everything I knew to be true. As the illusion of a normal life’s scaffold fell around me I was helped, urged and push to write creatively. Even in the darkness I knew I couldn’t leave this world without having left my mark. So here I am.
I have a scan on April 9th and maybe that will be the last post I ever write about gynaecological issues, then again maybe it won’t.
I am ready to move on, ready to be myself again.