I press the button on my phone and our smiling faces pop up. I look at the photo 147 times before realising it is not the photo of ‘us’ that makes me happy, it is not ‘him’, it is the smiling representation of everything.
My life has been grey for two years, it was black before or perhaps it has always been a smokey grey with its depressing haze never lifting, never allowing a clear view of what was always there. Two years ago Mr K got up and left and part of me had always remained where he left me, transfixed, rooted, rigid; hoping that one day he would return. But he never did. And he never will. Despite knowing this I left his photo in a frame on my windowsill. He gave me another the following year during our ‘talks’ which I put in my drawer, a visual daily reminder that maybe we could, a desperate clinging on to the past. A daily secret pact that I would wait, his control still exerted over me.
Icould not move on. No matter what happened or who presented themselves I could not give up thinking about him. I missed our conversation, I missed cooking his dinner, I missed our home and I missed how he made me feel. He didn’t care. He didn’t have a daily visual reminder. He had moved on.
Things change. A week ago things changed. Today they change again. I take down the smiling couple photo and replace it with a picture, my picture, from the Personify Me project – my own creation, my own emotions illustrated. The photo of the smiling happy couple is beautiful, proof that life is better shared, it makes me happy, it makes me smile but the painting is much, much more; it signifies all I am, all I mean to myself and serves as a reminder that I am stronger than I think.
I change my wallpaper and know I am the visual reminder I need to keep going, I am the motivation, the strength and the creative confidence that will see me through. I push the middle button, life is beautiful xx