After the tears

I cried myself to sleep last night, I could not stop. Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m not happy about it at all.

This day last year was the last time I spoke to the Architect, someone who had brought me so close to my dreams then left. Someone who had been my friend, supported me and helped me focus on my Masters goal then just like that revoked it all without a word. I miss the Architect.

I should be used to being alone by now. Used to constantly reassessing friendships and relationships, Blue does not wish to speak with me either but that’s just Blue. I wish Hudson the wonder dog were still alive, you can never be lonely with a wonder dog at your side.

I write this from deep within my feelings and I know my crying state had more to do with the pressure I am under working full time and studying full time. I welcome the end of my contract and embrace the unknown. The problem I have is one of sharing, I have none to talk to or confide in. The people around me have little time for me – my childlessness and solo lifestyle is something few understand.

I feel left behind. I am getting older yet I am further away from everything I know. Each year I become more miserable, more fake smiley, more …?? I should be happy but I am not. I just want someone to tell my secrets to, someone who won’t judge me or make me feel ungrateful for this really rather lovely life that I have…

11 thoughts on “After the tears

  1. You can talk to me anytime. All that is stressful, and yes, some people are busy with their stuff. We’re all busy. It doesn’t mean I can’t stop and listen to you when you’re in need, when you are in pain. I am here, my friend. 🙂 And happy birthday.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate your comments and messages so much. You are part of my writing circle and I very much look forward to seeing your thoughts on my work and just chatting with you in general. Today I vow to push this writing thing as far as it can go, this has been a long year and I am here – on a writing programme, with an opportunity to do flexible working hours and support from my peers (massively including you) We all get lonely and stressed so I will write it out, same advice as I give to others – I vow to keep writing 🌟

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  2. Pingback: The Blue Note | Fem Feelings

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