Romeo gives me the Girlfriend experience. I nod, smile and banter appropriately. I arrive with a fully made face, dress and heels, totally smooth and smelling sweetly. I perch beside him on the sofa, pretend to watch a golfing tournament and sneakily glance at his face when he is not looking. We have performed the same sequence of events many times, it bores me.
With Blue it would never be like that. Blue taught me things I did not know about myself, about relationships, about being yourself. Blue and I are always laughing. He holds my hand everywhere we go, he says good morning and goodnight, he looks into my eyes as we ride off into the early morning light.
But Blue is as deep as the ocean and he carefully dispenses information, I always want to know more. Maybe I do not ask enough questions, maybe I get things wrong, but Blue would tactfully tell me, wouldn’t he? Blue stirs something inside me. Something that I want yet am not ready for. Blue disappears and I let him go.
Romeo reappears. Soon he will ask me out again but I know now that I cannot go. Romeo will never see anything more than the doll carefully arranged beside him, never know my secrets or what moves me. He practices with me until his time arrives, it is only a Girlfriend experience.
It is not where for art thou? I whisper into the night, it is not an experience I want but something true. I wish for decency, intelligence, compassion, a face that lights up; I wish for someone like Blue