Sometime around midnight he tells me to wear the heels, go all out and get dressed up. I ask if he is sure but he knows I want to and reassures me that he is looking forward to seeing me in a dress. ‘I want to look super hot in case you decide to stand me up’ I say remembering the last time ‘then I can get drunk at the bar feeling fabulous – at least I tried.’ We both laugh. ‘I will be there’ he says ‘I am very excited’
I know I am probably pushing it, pushing him into my comfort zone and out of his but I want to look as good as I can. The last time I went out I did not have all the information I needed. I set myself up to fail. I hurt myself. This time is different. This time I spend hours on the phone to him, letting the conversation flow. This time I am excited and confident it will go well.
The girl at work tells me I am too much without explaining how ‘much’ is enough. I have chosen between two dresses, grabbed my Choo’s and thrown half my make up into a Longchamp’s Pliage bag.
I go past the bar so I have to walk back. I have to ascend a staircase. I have to enter the room. I inhale and exhale deeply. I trip over a step. No one sees. No nerves. No panic, just excitement at what could be.
I look around. He smiles and rises to greet me. I have never seen anyone so nervous. As he talks to me he clenches his hand, I try not to look, I wonder if this is a sign, if he will run away when I’m not looking, but, he is still smiling. He smiles at me as though I am a hand delivered gift, given to him by angels.
Soon we are laughing. Soon I move closer to him, place my hand over his nervous one and smile deep into his eyes. This is better than I ever could imagine. We are like friends, familiar acquaintances, I find him fascinating.
We move on, it all continues. We move on, it cannot stop. We move on again, onto the nights climax.
I am looking into those eyes, all traces of nervousness diminished. My heart shifts. I feel something, a release. I start to cry, not from sadness but relief. I realise that someone is on my side, that maybe, just maybe all the searching has been worth it. The night is full of meaning, the night signifies what is to come.
Soon I begin to hear Lost Stars in my dreams again. It is the beginning of the end. I am too late, the peak, too soon. I’ll be damned, Cupid’s demanding back his arrow. It is over. I get drunk on my tears.
Tell us the reason, youth is wasted on the young […]
Searching for meaning
Are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark
I cannot hold it against him. Some things however painful to accept are not meant to be.
Once again I won’t give up, I won’t stop searching for meaning. My life must mean something to someone, somewhere
Lost Stars is a beautiful song from the film Begin Again written and sung by Adam Levine. I will continue to sing this song until the search is over.