Searching For Meaning (an idiot finally enjoys dinner)

Please don’t see just a girl caught up in dreams and fantasies
Please see me reaching out for someone I can’t see

I wore a prom dress and the same heels I wore for the previous two attempts. I looked like a beautiful barbie doll. I sip wine and watch him navigate his kitchen confidently. We laugh, hold hands and kiss in between chopping vegetables for the dinner he is cooking me. We touch Desperados, here’s to us – cheers! He presents me with a Mexican feast, music plays in the background.

Take my hand let’s see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans sometimes are just a one night stand

He smiles at me and I am happy. After dinner we sit on the sofa side by side getting to know each other. We chat like we have known each other all our lives. This time everything is different. I say that every time but this time it truly is. I feel it. I like him, no anxiety, no questioning myself, just a beautiful feeling and should it end – well, he made me smile…

Who are we? Just a speck of dust within the galaxy?

He’s telling me I’m a bag of cosmic dust, star children … I close my eyes and thank God for bringing him to me. I waited patiently and now here is someone worth waiting for. We are so different yet so alike. I am aware something is happening every moment I am with him. Dinner turns into a lunch. The following week we have carefully selected tea and cake and on another date he makes me cheese on toast and we are a normal couple. Each morning I wake up to his messages, each morning I say thank you to God – no random sequence of events, no science, no coincidence – the hand of God at work.

Turn the page maybe we’ll find a brand new ending
Where we’re dancing in our tears

On his birthday I wear another dress, a sexy black one with lace Swarovski crystal embellished shoes. Before we go for dinner, our first dinner as a couple I cut my hair. I look in the mirror and notice a change – my eyes are filled with happiness and love. My story has a new ending. I start to see a future. He says hello to my parents and prepares to meet my sisters and my friends. I begin to plan a life for myself, for him too if he wants it. This is the beginning of something special.

God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It’s hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

I remember a dream I had when I were twenty-five … he wouldn’t believe it … he couldn’t believe it but, it is true. I spend so much of my life searching for the meaning of my dreams and maybe here is an answer. If he is a star then I want to be a star, I want to go where he does and light up the darkness. I reached out when I wasn’t sure if anyone was there to take my hand and now he has mine I do not want him to ever let it go.

Lost Stars, the theme tune to my 2017, a song that has carried me through the tears and confusion is from the film Begin Again.

20 thoughts on “Searching For Meaning (an idiot finally enjoys dinner)

  1. This is again such a wonderfully appealing contribution! I love it and I am so happy for you again. You write dreams that come true. The song has come so wonderful true for you. I sink in every word and would like to own it myself!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so very very much 💖 I heard something magical in these lyrics which will never leave me. Have you seen Begin Again? the film is not as deep as the song but hearing Lost Stars helped change my attitude and I am so grateful for this 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your answer!!! no I did not see the film, but the lyrics of this song is very touching and your story inbetween touches me even more. I definitely have to read once more tomorrow…( I´m very slow in understanding all parts of an text in foreign language)…now it is too late….have a good night!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Your writing has gotten so good. I was hooked on this one.

    I’m fascinated how people measure time–and dresses is a clever way to do it.

    I’m intrigued: if you were to measure the same story a different way, how would you do it?

    Liked by 2 people

    • Oh, everyone measures time and stories differently. Everyone has their own perception. The art is to match them with the perceptions of his dearest fellow human beings. to feel how they feel. To see how they see. And to love them, as they love.

      Liked by 2 people

      • That’s nice that you feel understood. I have thought a lot about interpretations and thoughts about the words others write and how they perceive and process them.
        I’ve learned that wordpress is a heaven for creative exchange, poetry and art in general. But it can be hell for people who seek solace in their true solitude. Because they are looking for love and warmth, which they can only find in real life. I can learn here in wordpress to understand people, to become sensitive but I have to meet them in real life. Just yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who told me that there are a lot of people who are married and have a love affair with other partners in their imagination. Honestly, this idea shocks me, because although the thoughts are free, I want to live my married life, my friendships and family 100% true and there also be emotionally anchored. Cheating on my true life with my fantasy feels absolutely wrong to me! I thank you that I get such a wonderful insight into the feelings and thoughts of such a sensitive person like you.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I am writing paper #2 about my commitment to blogging and bringing in motivational theory, affinity spaces and public pedagogy. I’ve been reading some interesting things and yes there are some studies on those having virtual lives and creating deep imaginary bonds.
        I value this social platform and the people I ‘meet’ as a result and as always my aim is to spread hope and a message of love.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh, I appreciate social platforms too and have met many nice people and also learned a lot, for my art and for my person, social feelings. But I think that it is bad to start a virtual love relationship and then align his real life after the virtual life. The direction must be clearly the other way around: Primary is the real life with my body and the virtual is subordinate.
        There is a lot of flirting, pretty photos posted … o.k. if this is the desire I do not care …. but, I do not want to lose my feelings on the Internet. My feelings remain in the real world.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Ahhh Thanks Jake 😊 tbh I didn’t think too deeply about it, I just didn’t want to sound as if I was going on endless dates! The dresses changed but the shoes and my vulnerability stayed the same. It wasn’t until I really understood the lyrics and accepted that I am on a path that I have no control over and saw the beauty in that did things change.
      If I were to change anything it would be the title because I am not an idiot! We all want love and I am fortunate to now feel that I’ve found ‘a brand new ending’.
      I love to eat so I’d probably measure the story by what I ate on each date likening the significance of each meal to how I feel – the cheese on toast is a good example – this simple depiction of breakfast hopefully expresses our domesticity snd familiarity with each other … and we both LOVE cake, I could write endless posts about our cake eating – it’s def a match lol 😊😂😍

      Liked by 1 person

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