Rotten Relapse – Hello (again) Endo!

It’s back. The cells have migrated to a new site. No longer satisfied with my uterus the cells have found a new home and I await confirmation of Primary Umbilical Endometriosis.

Maybe it never really went away, maybe I just wanted to be ‘cured’ so badly that I got on with life, accepted things as they were until the familiar symptoms stopped me in my tracks (again).

After the last surgery I was put on a course of hormone treatment that I did not agree with. I commenced with the intention of changing my diet and lifestyle to enable me to stop with all medication and after two years all seemed fine. I guess I became content, I forgot about the years of sleepless nights, physical pain, mental pain and limited lifestyle.

As we rang in 2017 I knew I was not well. New Years 2018 I sat in hospital having my umbilicus cleaned with iodine praying it was all in my head. Fast forward to June and I was a mess, now it’s November and … well I’m not sure.

I used to drive an Audi. My car was a testament to their slogan, Vorsprung Durch Technik, which means progress through technology, and like my car, my own body is too truly remarkable. Over the years it has progressed and adapted. It learnt to balance the physical and mental, improved with hormone treatment, learnt to cope with daily strains and stresses, as I became more mindful, accepting my limitations and blissfully learning to sleep through the night. But, faced with the reoccurrence of this painful disorder I relapse. I totally sink and drown in the depression. At the start of September I was self medicating and using sleeping aids. I was miserable. I cut myself off and began to worry my friends and family. My behaviour was strange, erratic and unpredictable. The stress of reliving surgery, having biopsies and living my life in fear and pain terrified me. I retreated to my bed.

In my sleepless state I thought about my destiny, could this really be all I am supposed to be? Am I destined to live a reclusive depressing painful life … I thought it highly unlikely so I took a week off work, I spoke with my Doctor and I took control.

I will most likely require laser surgery soon. It is rotten to relapse but like Audi I progress, I do not ignore my symptoms, I say hello (again) to Endo and vow to change my life. I am still off. It didn’t go away and it won’t for a while. There is no cure for endometriosis so all I can do is limit the common causes. I try to eradicate stress by changing my job, I have a little holiday and I start to eat well and exercise.

I took years to adapt to my infertility, to living my life with mental illness but I hope I will quickly adapt to having the best life I possibly can with or without relapse.

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