I began writing this post the 6th April 2019 just before I got the kittens. I knew I needed something to come into my life, something to change or something to be revealed to me. So much has happened since then; I’ve changed.
You say you wander your own land
In 2018 I spent ten very different days on the white isle and whilst there I began feeling a sense of completion. I spent six days in hedonistic bliss and the last four in meditation on the north eastern coast. I know so much about the island having travelled around it over the previous four years that I felt it right to visit somewhere new in 2019.
You’re aching, you’re breaking, and I can see the pain in your eyes
I’ve not been quite myself since my return. I spiralled last summer, insomnia returned and I developed umbilical endometriosis. I struggled, I pained, I resolute to make a change, but, the decision that I will not be heading to the Ibiza this summer. OMG. What else am I going to do?
Everybody’s changing and I don’t know why
I lose the ability to paint and I can barely write but, I dreamt. My dreams became fantastical and somewhere beneath the pain and sleepless nights, magic happens. I start to become more in tune with my mind and body. Beautiful wondrous happenings occurr and I began to desire a belief in esoteric practices. I put it down to completion. For the first time in years I had time to do nothing. I had been studying for seven of the past eight years. I had undergone three surgeries, returned to employment and moved home.
Soon you will disappear. Fading into beautiful light
I wanted to explore new things but I was not exactly sure what my friends or family might think. I went crystal shopping and delighted by the marvels inside I decided that this was my time, everything seemed to be falling into place and I had to move forward.
I watched the sunset in the Middle East and was called to a different kind of prayer. I took myself away. I began to read about afterlife and near death experiences to try to understand what had happened to me. I continue to rise and be grateful for each day, setting aside time to breathe deeply, meditate and practice reiki. I recorded my dreams and synchronicities. I began to openly discuss ideas and spread a message of love and positivity, but still, I feel as though I am hiding something.
Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel right
My friendship group reshuffles. The fair weathers and attention seekers drop off and the hard core crew remain. There is one special addition. One who helps to guide me, who supports my every move, encourages the changes and on this I rely but in my dreams there is another ..
My dreams linger longer than they ever have full of rich symbolism and meaning. Where once was a guiding hand now stands a man who follows me around. His outline appears clearer the more familiar he becomes. We have deep conversations, we traverse the world. He holds my hand.
So little time. Try to understand that I’m .. (trying)
I wake up desperate to hold onto him, desperate to remember every detail. I do not know him but one day I will. The next time I see him I tell him to do something that will allow me to instantly recognise him in the waking space. He smiles a big boyish cheeky cheshire cat smile. It goes up to his eyes and reveals two prominent incisors. It shocks me so much that I wake up. It was so real. I spend the day wondering what dreams are and if any of this could be possible?
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
I decide to get a cat, a little black cat with shining eyes who would sit on my lap and listen to my stories. That did not happen, instead I rescue two kittens one black and white and a beautiful calico cat; from that moment everything goes wrong. My building catches fire, I get sick, I am mugged, I lose my job, I am taken to court and I start to feel that life is truly pointless.
The world locks down to fight a pandemic. The cats move with me to my family home and I begin to sleep for longer than a few hours. My umbilicus settles down. I start walking and change my diet. I have a new routine. Safe that my bills are taken care of I relax. I practice my reiki. I start writing up my dreams and then at night, I see him.
But it is not all sunshine and rainbows. My calico cat is run over and buried in the garden and Albert, my black and white cat runs away. I return home. I am lonely and know I must overcome this so I can move on. I cannot meet anyone so I apply for a new role with a long recruitment process so I must learn patience.
The time is right and I get the job. I visit the seaside and there he stands. Instead of falling in love we stare at each other suspiciously; some things are not meant to be. So, we hold hands and look out at the water.
Everybody’s changing and I don’t feel the same
There are things that we both must do. I have to write, I have to let it out so I can move on. I have never really felt comfortable enough to tell my story but this must change. I don’t feel the same as I once did. I feel that all those moments led me here and I am not ashamed, they are part of me, my story. I love my story with all its ups and downs and strange twists and turns. I am proud of where I have been and what I have achieved. So, I decide to turn it around and give it to someone who needs it, someone who can find hope, happiness and freedom in what once was bleak and depressing and restricting
~ Namaste. Post 48 out of 103 drafts was originally written on the 6th April 2019 575 words now 1070. Everything is Changing by Keane ~