August has not been kind to me, it never is. My umbilicus has ruptured three times this month and my mood dipped around the anniversary of my hospitalisation. I wake up at 3am; my body on FIRE, drenched in sweat and tangled in soaked blankets. In the mornings I feel dizzy, disorientated and hot, often falling back to sleep again until mid morning. On Saturday I feel a ‘twinge’ spending Sunday curled up on the sofa, holding my my right ovary convinced I was having my menses. Yesterday I sat with a new colleague in a coffee shop profusely sweating from my brow. Usually I am embarrassed but this year I am older and can confidently admit to being a menopausal woman. I went for a long walk after and will go again today. I will drink only water with mint from a sprig 90210 gave me. I ration the meat I eat to once a week. No sugars, no salts, no fats and limited yeast. I buy pulses and grains. I wonder what to do with Ras El Hanout in the supermarket and getting annoyed by the lack of vegetarian options I stomp back to the check out.
This has been going on too long now. My ovaries barely function and my hormones do what they want, when they want. I am so close to beginning a new (normal) life, must I bring these past issues with me?
Last summer my umbilicus erupted non-stop and I was referred out of Oncology and to the surgeons office to have my fistula operated on. I was to have my consultation on the the 1st June, cancelled for obvious reasons.
Dazed and confused on Saturday morning, I decide to listen to Sound Healing to see if it could help. Years ago I used a combination of yoga, meditative chakra cleanses and sound frequencies to relax and soothe my body. I had acupuncture, reflexology and reiki that focused on the reproductive glands and systems. I did lots of breath work. The pain lessened over the years and I gave up the pain medication – I am proud to be pain free since 2017.
I have long used music as medicine and listen to white noise and differing frequencies to induce meditative states. This approach has really helped me to understand that which once seemed perplexing and erratic. Taking time to be quiet and still my body has had profound effects upon me. Learning to notice blockages, slight sensations and positive reactions, allowed me to stop pain journalling, mood journalling and counting days. A deep awareness of self helps me to notice when I need nourishment, adjust my salt/sugar intakes or predict when I will get grumpy and need sleep. This holistic approach which my Doctors seemed to have little interest in ended up being the best approach for me.
I decided to lose weight for my birthday and have been exercising all month, eating well, meditating and really focused on a bright new future. I have no idea why my ovary decided to twinge this weekend as for the first time in a long time I am quite happy. Maybe my ovary was saying goodbye, its last hoorah, or maybe not. It happened whilst I was laying on my back savasana and listening to a vocal sound healing. All of a sudden my body began to shake and spasm. I felt quite overwhelmed yet impressed at the vibrational effect the frequency was having on my physical body. I spent Sunday curled up as previously mentioned but did the sound healing yesterday morning and again today. My body did not shake. It felt better. The twinge has almost gone.
I am not getting out of bed today, I have no reason to and will stay relaxed until later when I will go for a gentle walk.
Going into my menopause in my thirties has not been easy but they say life begins at forty so I hope that this time next year I will be in an even better position than I am today. It has been a tough twenty years. I am no longer consumed by my lack of menstruations, by excruciating pains and burst cysts. I am calmer. I accept what is and happily move forward in life looking after my body from the inside out.