The End of Searching for Meaning (an idiot goes for coffee)

I wonder how I am going to wear the striped dress and heels to a coffee shop when the phone goes. A cashmere black t-shirt would easily make it into a sexy yet casual skirt and that’s what I am going for as this is not a date. Unlike the last time, we do not have to worry with being stood up or awkward conversation. I cannot wait. I will finally get the opportunity to tell Blue what I have been thinking all these years.

I love Japanese Shunga art. No one knows except Blue. I told him once over sashimi that I wasn’t even sure he enjoyed. I told him about The Dream of the Fisherman’s Wife. His face lit up when I showed him. He nodded slowly. I put my knee between his legs. I amused him or I would’ve if this had actually happened.

Blue was the first date that I had been on since Mr.K. It ended abruptly and I never knew why. I was always nervous and shy so I assumed he thought I was an idiot. Blue is gorgeous, confident and commanding, he had no reason to ever think of me again after 2017 but for me … I thought about him all the time.

I had never considered that I deserved better until I met Blue. He was there when I enrolled for my Masters when I thought everything was changing. In some ways I guess it was so I made a list of all the things I wanted; MA, new job, new flat, new future. I had already ticked off new man as here was an intelligent, funny man who thought I was beautiful, but, he did not want to be with me. Blue didn’t last the semester.

I was already set on becoming a better person and I don’t know exactly what happened but Blue became the outline of my perfect man. The only person who ever came close was Neo who I met the summer after and although I love(d) him he has too many secrets. I think I once told Neo whilst drunk that he was almost as good as Blue. I said it as men are competitive and I wanted Neo to know that I knew other hot, sexy men who were intelligent and funny. Neo didn’t care. He told me it would only work if Blue knew he was at risk of losing his coveted top spot. That’s when I realised Blue didn’t know and then when Neo was gone the top spot was his once again.

I still strived to be better and I made it without anyone’s help. When I got my new job I knew there was only one person to tell because he comprised of all the things I wanted to be and would be happy for me; but Blue had something to tell me. Blue was a fantasy.

Despite what he said I still wanted to be his friend. I respected him and continued to update him on matters surrounding my career. Headed toward my new future, the gap between my fantasy and my new life reduced. So what if I’d gotten Blue wrong, he still quintessentially made up the ethos of the values I wanted and surely proximity to Blue would make my work fantasy come true?

I decide that I want to thank Blue for (without knowing) having pushed me to achieve great things. I want to support him in the next chapter of his life, we can support each other, so I am excited when he suggests coffee.

I am holding the striped dress against me when the phone goes. It is Blue. He tells me that we will not be meeting and that we can never speak again. As the dress falls to the floor I feel like a cheap whore, shaking my head that this has happened again. I am mortified. In three years I have been on three dates then there was Neo and now there is nothing; I cannot even go for coffee with a friend. I am so stupid. Stupider for believing Blue and I could be friends.

Preeti calls and I am confused and crying. I tell her that I am ok with both Blue and Neo having girlfriends but I am not ok with being the stupid girl who entertains the late night stoners, drinkers, cheats and the weirdo’s (Black Jack). The girl who gets shunned during the day.

I thought that you could have male friends. I talk to my male ex’s because they know me. They know my hopes, dreams and fears. They tell me that I will get a promotion, go to Peru or make it someday as a writer, but, maybe all those fantasies are as far away from me as having them one day come true. They know that. They know that I am the stupid girl because if I were anything better then I would be their girl. They all know it, all of them, everyone except me. So, today this idiot did not go for coffee but now I finally see.

~ There is no one left. Romeo, Billy the Kid, Blue, Neo; all gone forever. They were never really there in the first place. All I have left are the memories of something that never was and forever never will be. I thank them for the stories. Don’t worry. I’ll be ok, one day ~