Fem Feels … on dreaming

It’s 05.09, I woke up thirty minutes ago. For a few days now I have been able to manage six hours of unbroken continuous sleep. I think this is good. I think this is my limit, with the eight hours a night during lockdown a fluke and the nights of severely broken snatches of sleep a sign of total hormone disruption. It no longer stresses me out.

As part of my new volunteer role I have to introduce myself, say something interesting and give my motivations for being a volunteer. I usually freeze when I meet new people or have to do this and I do not know why. I am an extremely confident communicator in all matters except myself so the dreaded interesting icebreaker sends me into a panic.

When you are ill life is all about boxes and labels. Some are for diagnosis; some for medication, therapy, capability etc. My blog is the only place I have that has no label. It is not for information, for a continuous storyline or your entertainment. It is a place to help me understand myself through the art of writing.

I think one of my biggest fears was/is that strangers would want to read my writing and judge me negatively, so, although I can proudly introduce myself as a writer or blogger I also prepare to say no. “No, you cannot read it as it is private, however I can help you create your own if you like.” I am new to the power of saying no but no I must until I am ready. Helen taught me this and I can confidently say it whilst breathing out the nervous butterflies.

On a zoom meet up last night I develop my response further and a whole new narrative espoused. I introduced myself as a writer who each morning wrote up their dreams and I told the group that I did this not only because they made fascinating stories but also as I am grateful for having reached REM sleep. The proverbial lightbulb lit up.

I began this blog as I had life-shattering insomnia and had recently begun medication that induced night terrors. I wanted to document my experiences so that anyone who needed reassurance for their own painful existence could find it. This is the same reason I volunteer, so that anyone who needs help or a friendly ear can have one.

By the end of the zoom chat I knew something had changed and I felt extremely confident. I now had something interesting to say about myself without feeling exposed and vulnerable and my motivations are clear.

I can talk about grief, mental health, mindfulness, creating, crafting, storytelling, shit poetry attempts, endometriosis, undiagnosis, insomnia, loneliness or Carl Jung’s dream key anytime – but; do you remember the dream with the publishers? Those Angels were absolutely right. I could write a book about my dreams and who knows, maybe someday I will. Until then I will keep sharing my experiences and continue to write up my dreams until they come true.

4 thoughts on “Fem Feels … on dreaming

    • The more I dream and write them up the better and clearer they become.
      A type of analysis takes place and I can link them to other memories or experiences.

      I love dreaming and having another world to live in. I’m a different person there so I wondered if that’s why I put so much emphasis on recording them – because I like to escape my reality?

      I can hear Carl Jung now – ‘why do you think this is so?’
      And that’s where the analysis comes in. It is not having insomnia. It is not having the health problems that are linked to poor sleep etc. It’s dreaming that someone loves me … doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work it out!

      Liked by 1 person

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