The Blue Note

The call finally comes with information of my start date. To celebrate I tell everyone who cares, everyone except Blue and because I cannot tell him I tell you. Yesterday I performed some blog admin (I added posts from 2015-2019 into the music category) and came across the seven about Blue. As I read them I fell down the memory rabbit hole.

I was walking along, minding my business, when love came and hit me in the eye –

Flash, Bam, Alacazam!

out of an orange coloured sky

Of course I couldn’t sleep back then. I would watch the moon and the stars circle around and then, after only a few hours sleep, the sun would rise and I would look out at the pink skied morning, imagining Blue going to and from work. I wrote Cloud Kisses as I hoped we were both thinking of the other. That was at the beginning. I was getting to know him by showing him something very personal to me.

The sky above ablaze that only lovers see

I was having an influx of sensations. Caught up in a whirl of having someone interested in me, my swelling emotions and expressing myself in new creative ways, I wrote Sunday’s Sun and The Shape of Us. I loved writing those short prose pieces back then. I knew they were rubbish but I couldn’t help myself. I was getting excited. I was always smiling (or blushing) or day dreaming.

And every time I touch you, you just tremble inside. And I know how much you want me, that you can’t hide

Can I just have one more moondance with you, my love?

Maybe that’s why I wanted to see Blue one more time, to reminisce, to hold onto the excitement. If I move forward, I move on without him (or any of the others) and these are the people that really kept me going you know, they made me aware of my feelings when I were on autopilot. Every part of my body came alive. Mentally and physically. Blue exists in my dreams (a little bit in love with you), in my memories and in my reflective experiences. I needed the clever sex. The intellectually stimulating and provocative. I compare him to others or others to him because I wanted and still need someone like Blue.

I’ve been searching a long time

Someone exactly like you

I’ve been traveling all around the world

Waiting for you to come through

After last week I know it is not Blue I wait for or anyone else. It is me. I have been waiting for myself to catch up. To understand the tears, the pain and why I needed to experience these relationships so I could heal.

Des mots insensés, Que tu comprendras, Je te parlerai, De ces amants-là, Qui ont vu deux fois leurs cœurs s’embraser, Je te raconterai l’histoire de ce roi mort, De n’avoir pas pu te rencontrer, Ne me quitte pas 

Crazy words, that you will understand, I will talk to you, of these lovers, who twice saw their hearts set ablaze. I’ll tell you the story of this dead King, for not being able to meet you; do not leave me

There must be some french blood somewhere in my heritage as the French are so dramatic, I love it! Listen to his delivery. Ne me quitte pas. It is the saddest thing in the world. And before you go telling me I’ll be ok and how sad you are for me and shed your little tear for my banal existence please remember one thing; I am a dramatic (creative) artist. This is my catharsis. Writing an idiot goes for dinner and an idiot goes for coffee was tough. Being single is tough, life is tough. We overcome. I overcome, yet, I lament for as long as I can. I am tortured by my own art. Tu me manques … yes .. from me you are missing … it is like a black and white film, with rain, a waiting plane … never to be together again.

This ain’t a movie love

No fairytale conclusion y’all

It gets more confusing everyday

Today is the last lamenting day. Today is the day I received the good news. Le premier jour du reste de ta vie. It is the first day of the rest of my life. Of course I will still have dating disasters and cry myself to sleep in a ball but then I will remember the beautiful times; the beautiful memories of my past. Beautiful men, Beautiful sex.

Se um dia eu fui alegria ao te conhecer. Agora canto porque sinto a dor de não te ter

If one day I was happy to meet you. Now I sing, because I feel the pain of not having you

Now this is what I am talking about. Bossa Nova explains me beautifully. Serious saudade whilst we sway and remember.

~ Have a wonderful weekend and enjoy the music ~

*The Blue Note was a club in Angel owned by Eddie Piller creator of Acid Jazz and the man who brought us Jamiroquai. I went there in 1997. It blew my mind and cemented a love of creative music.

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