Yesterday I woke up singing this gorgeous melodic lo-fi song that was Annie Mac’s Hottest Record in the World. This is how I feel. This is all I ever seem to do: Live, Love, Lament … My posts may make for great little reads or amuse me when I wish to be deep in my memories, but the truth is they hurt.
Daydreaming and I’m thinking of you, Day drinking just for something to do
You know, I daydream until the late afternoon. And all I ever see inside is you
My therapist told me in 2013 to write the pain out, so through the challenges of grief and my non existent love-life I find my writing voice. I begin to understand the emerging catharsis and use it to develop and grow in confidence. I build a new solid foundation for my life; but, this did not stop shitty things from happening to me.
It’s disappointing and anti-climactical. You read my messages but didn’t get back at all (but that’s the privilege of being beautiful)
And it’s very, very frightening, You being in my daydreams is ever exciting (but what did I expect from you?)
I’m fed up of romance. I watch Love Life on BBC and it annoys me that I can relate to it so well. At one point the Therapist (Siobhan Fallon Hogan) looks down the camera and tells Darby (Anna Kendrick) that rejection is NOT personal. Sorry What? Darby and I splutter the same words until we realise no, no it is not.
On Sunday I honestly did not know what to do with myself. I spent the weekend thinking about Marsh Mallo. Not wanting to daydream a relationship into existence, I sit quietly and list out what I actually know about him. The results are poor.
I fucking hate it when you leave, cause you got something that I need. And I keep dosing myself up on repeat.
I am so fed up of going around on this cycle. This is not a THEM thing, this is a ME thing! The pattern of being ignored during the day and then waiting hours (weeks, months) for some idiot to have the courage to talk to me is rubbish! It doesn’t match my personality at all and it is time to move on. The Therapist is right. Rejection is not personal. I reject others all the time. My problem is I get too emotionally involved – why?
It’s always 5am when you call me, different day, same story. Hang it up and ignore me
I am chasing a spark when really what I need is a slow burner. I am the romantic version of a Magpie, I like the shiny shit. I swoop down collecting bits of tat that no one else wants and occasionally I steal things that are not mine. I sit alone in my nest on a pile of crap, on a pile of dates that never happen or relationships that fizzle out as fast as they start up.
Who likes Magpies? No one does. This makes me sad. I am not a Magpie, I am a beautiful exotic Hummingbird, albeit one that has lost it’s way.
It’s so cruel, what your mind can do, for no reason
Its all very depressing. I began walking a different route in 2018, heading somewhat parallel but completely verging off track . I had set out to achieve better goals. I wanted a boyfriend and to complete my masters. To grow as a person, be a better Aunt and friend.
I missed my mark on all goals despite achieving them all. I remember writing F is Fail or Fabulous Effort? with a sense of foreboding. That same feeling followed me around university, to work and even across the stage at my graduation. Something just was not right. I did not fail but I did not succeed either. I continued writing it out like my therapist encouraged but I was writing romantic rubbish.
You are the one I base all my romantic garbage on. You are the one, come on dance with me make the most of the midday sun
After Sunday’s tears, and the embarrassment on realising that I fear rejection and get excited to receive scraps of breadcrumbs, I decide to put my romantic garbage out. Forever this time.
I think about the path I have been walking and see that I were always in a shadow. I refuse to let this get me down so I assess my course. I re-calibrate my inner compass. I hold onto all the amazing things I am and forget about who I am not. Of course I instantly begin to daydream …
He’s the kind of guy that would say ‘Hey, baby let’s get away’
Oops! It’s not my fault! I completed my masters, had therapy, got promoted, am a great friend and an amazing aunt. Honestly, I cannot help it. I achieved all my goals so now all that is left is to do is daydream about someone who wants to join me in Peru.
Daydreaming and I’m thinking of you
Look at my mind floating away
~ Please, please, please check out the amazing British newcomers Easy Life and Arlo Parks. And never ever, ever stop daydreaming ~