For the second night in a row I dream about being at university. I have been heard loudly expressing my desires to gain a PhD or MPhil and download the digital prospectus from Goldsmiths University. My desires are not without their concerns.
On Sunday, I dream that I am trapped in a labyrinth of dark, heavy stone-stepped staircases that go nowhere. I have enrolled on a German language course and cannot find my classroom. I am aware and embaressed that I am the oldest person in the class and that I have performed poorly at German three times before in my life ( I only achieved a C in my GSCE, received another C for the first element whilst at university and barely passed the second element). I glance down at my wrist and think that I am now very late and will be unable to explain to der Lehrer (teacher).
Aware that I am going around in circles I find a young girl and ask for her help. She too is unsure where I am to go so we wander up and down the stone steps of the labyrinth. Annoyed and desperate I reach for the handle of the closest door, thrusting open to find a large fox or wolf snarling back at me. We scream, slamming the door shut and turning to run. As I reach the stairs I think that although determined, returning to study might not be for me.
Last night I dream that I am the stupidest person on my course.
In contrast to the dream where Dr Sheldon Cooper winks at me conspiringly, acknowledging my intelligence and urging me not to throw away my dreams of study for dreams of domesticity, as I sit with my professors in this dream I know that I should embark on a small research study before going any further.
My head is cloudy and for the first time in years. I have different projects pulling me in different directions. Conscious that I want to use the opportunities at work to research areas of interest, I fail to imagine things working out as I want them to and instead fear the less favourable outcomes I am used to.
Perhaps that is what the dreams signify.