In May 2017 I excitedly wrote that I had an idea I wanted to try out. Four years later, the idea remains as does a crippling fear that I cannot make it happen.
In the last post I claim to make art that made me happy, but, the truth is, I am searching for something that will segue into my Life’s Purpose as I have been dissatisfied and miserable for too long. Since returning to the corporate world I battle constantly with the corporate/creative duality and am no closer to finding my happiness.
This May, when things were getting too painful and stressful, I ran away for a couple of days with Preeti and her friend Sarah (who is not to be confused with my Sarah so I will call her Dorsy as she is our English bombshell*). Dorsy was feeling low and being bullied at work, Preeti continued to have her own work issues and I was in terrible pain. We booked an air B&B, loaded the car, ordered a supermarket delivery full of alcohol and drove to Scotland.
The next day, I woke up in pain, crying and attempting to suppress a panic attack. I felt shitty but had not told work that I would be away, so instead of taking some time off, I attempted to switch on my laptop and answer emails, before realising I could not heal properly. Later (after firmly closing the laptop) we went for walks in the fresh air around Edinburgh’s citadel, drank lots and laughed through the night. During our stay it was to be a full moon and I wanted to wear something ‘different’. I had packed pink suede shoes and a loud, animal print dress into my suitcase on impulse. I had also brought my cards with me and said I would entertain the girls with my predictions for their futures.
I told the girls that we would dress up, drink and dance under the full moon, but before that, we should write down what we wanted to achieve under the waxing moon and read our lists, a few day later, to the moon’s full face. I had argued with Michelangelo and hoped it to be the last time. I wrote down a few things for our relationship and asked him to do the same. I also asked the moon to release me from my pains and help me to find my Life’s Purpose.
On the day of our big night we stumble drunkenly around the shops. I buy a hot-pink, knotted hair band and a blue beaded one for Dorsy, who claims to not have brought a nice outfit with her. Back at the Victorian flat, I dress, paint my face and do my hair; adding lashes and glittery eyeshadow to become the Goddess I want to be for the night. I place the hot-pink hairband, crown-like upon my head. I feel something change within me and know I am ready.
I am fully dressed and made up when the girls return back from a bar. Giggling I open the door in heels and full rigout. Preeti smiles her knowing smile and Dorsy’s eyes are wondrous. She tells me over and over how beautiful I am as I help her get dressed. We assemble into the living room and welcome the new moon. I feel relaxed and content. I realise that away from it all, dressed up in bright colours; painted, glittered and talking softly about self-improvement, I feel like myself.
On the drive home I am quiet and pensive. Suddenly, without giving it proper thought I ask Dorsy when her birthday is. ‘July 13th’ she tells me. ‘Would you like me to make you a flower crown for your birthday, a Cinco de Mayo one, like Frida Kahlo? I could paint you and we could have a little party’ I tell her that it will be her ‘coming out party’ that she is leaving her past behind and stepping into a bright new future.
Dorsy’s eyes well up. This is what she needs, what we both need. I tell her that we will plan it all for her, that I will get a tent for her garden, decorate it, play her favourite songs and cover her in paint and glitter.
A few weeks later and I cannot shift my idea. I remember my Arty Farty idea from 2017 and know this is what I have to do. Tonight is the next full moon but since the last one I have been plagued with self-doubt and fear, why? I know DEEP in my heart that I can make others smile with my art and that I can bring positive energy and joy to those who feel without it. I know Dorsy will love her flower crown, dancing in the garden under fairy lights and enjoy being adorned. I talk it through with Preeti who encourages me to go for it, she fully supports me and my abilities and slowly over the month (with her help) I begin to see my idea take shape.
Yesterday I set about updating my site, it is not finished yet but I am excited. My arty farty idea is about to become a reality. I pray to the moon to release me from fear and allow me to enjoy the colourful experience. Tonight I will dress up, be my gold glittery self and vow to not look back. I, like Dorsy, will leave my painful past behind me and step into a bright, colourful future.
*Diana Dors was England’s answer to Marilyn Monroe