At 05:05 I sit upright in bed convinced I can feel the dwarf planet moving. For the last week or so I have been increasingly busy, rushing around in my dreams, problem solving, and correcting my behaviours and attitudes.
I dream I return to high school and I am no longer upset by the girls who shunned me; I attend a dance class and whisper that there is a future for black dancers, I tell myself to continue to train and work hard before returning to the salon where I am practicing for competition – ‘you can do it, you truly are the best at what you do’ I hear.
But this morning I awake to something different. This morning I hear a lyric and I instantly remember all the years I have woken to a loud sound that fades as soon as my eyes open but imprints a sensation so strongly upon me that I know something has changed.
The planets are moving. Pluto, ruler of the eight house; the house of transformation, the house of death, changes sign every 15-26 years. I count back in the darkness and yes, it has been 24 since my life changed forever.
Interrupting me, the lyrics of the song from my childhood bursts once again through my thoughts. (What was she singing about?) I flick between song and dreams. ‘It’s that little souvenir of a terrible year which make my eyes feel sore.’ I am back at school, then back in Ireland, miserable, unhappy.
I whizz through the grey uneventful years until I am back in the present. Still upright on my bed I sigh slowly as the ‘memories of the shed, make me turn red’ and even though I cannot remember all the lyrics, I remember the switch. I remember she is embarrassed by a memory (what exactly happened in the shed?) but as she reflects upon it she sees it has shaped her to become cynical, ‘the world is that way; surprise! (surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise).’
Lamenting on our youthful innocence, I understand, like she does, that it was not my fault and if I could go back and change things – would I?
Pluto is on the move. How can a tiny, icy planet, smaller than our moon, billions of miles away cause such destruction? ‘Reverse quantum’ Steve Judd proffers. He cannot prove it anymore than you believing my dreams are real, but, all my life I have dreamt these fabulous, wondrous, enactments of scenes and situations too incredulous to not mean something. So I sit up straight and feel the maleficent energy of the dwarf ruler of the underworld.
There is only one person I want to tell my dream to, one person who would understand and they have been taken to Hades. With tears in my eyes, feeling half empowered, half ridiculous, I look towards the general direction of the window where Pluto orbits quietly in the background, bringing problems and causing much pain before moving on; occasionally leaving a sense of triumphant peace to troubled people like me. I think of my dead friend and let it all go. That’s what he would have wanted, to see me happy and transformed.
Once again I hear her sing ‘Here’s where the story ends’ and she is right. It’s over. After all these years I let go to all that has held me back since I was attacked. As Pluto moves on, so do I.
For those who believe in dreams