I don’t do film reviews so this is not one. It’s 3am on the dot and my brain is whirring. The film is on my mind – why? Yesterday I had my monthly 1:1 with my manager. I told her more than I ever had before. I told her of my increasing anxiety, the effect her feedback had on me and tried to explain where I wanted to go in life. I am a complex person. I like to be involved in everything, everywhere, all at once. Addicted to learning and gaining knowledge, I’m always doing something new.
Until I saw the movie, I guess I never thought this a flaw. My friends and family are aware of my flitting between things. My Relentless need to stay busy and entertained – life should be interesting and fun … no?
Last month I was accused of not delivering my work exactly how it should be. I sat and pondered on how truthful this was. Yes, I had made some mistakes but had I really dropped the ball. I called my therapist to talk it out. Yes, I sometimes had difficulty concentrating, yes I liked to mix it up and keep it interesting, but was I distracting myself – perhaps, no; yes?
We got onto the subject of Attention Deficit Disorder. When I began this blog I called it ‘mind spaghetti’ but maybe my mind has always been like this. Could I have this? I am totally random and a bit weird?
In the next session we talk about school and my anxiety rises again. We talk about my academic short comings, my lack of interest in computers, preferring front facing interactive roles. It gets complicated. I’m rambling, about everything, that happened everywhere, thoughts jumbled, coming out all at once.
In the film, the beautiful and super talented Michelle Yeoh’s ‘failed’ careers become strands in alternate dimensions. Unfulfilled and anxiety ridden she enters each one briefly, learning a new superpower to enable her to defeat and destroy her nemesis. Love and separation are key themes in this bizarre tale; a tale like my own it seems
Fragmented, unloved, unrecognised and unappreciated, I cannot see my own superpowers. I struggle through life. Hundreds of what-ifs plaguing my successes.
My manager asks me what exactly I want to do, tells me that we need to work on this. I cannot describe my ideal role – am I coming across as totally random? I don’t care because I do know but perhaps it doesn’t fit neatly into a one hours conversation. At 3:33 I am clear that I do really know my interests and where I want to go with them. I think about it seriously. Of all the things I’d need to learn to get there. I could do this, I really could.
For once my thoughts are not on all things, but one. I do know what I want to do, and I’m going to start doing it now 💫