The dream with the citrine quartz

I am dreaming something miserable. I am walking alone, bereft, depressed in a grey world. I board a bus, it is going towards London. I see a snowflake from the window and as the bus turns a corner, glassy bright Christmas market lights. It is late but I alight and head to Fenwicks before it…

Invisible Illness #3

I took Diazepam for the first time in a few months. I had been sitting staring at my laptop with my head in my hands since I opened it at 07.30. I was feeling completely lost and unable to cope when I asked myself, why must I struggle? Last night I watched a documentary on…

The dream with the uni papers

For the second night in a row I dream about being at university. I have been heard loudly expressing my desires to gain a PhD or MPhil and download the digital prospectus from Goldsmiths University. My desires are not without their concerns. On Sunday, I dream that I am trapped in a labyrinth of dark,…

White Isle Whispers

This is the third May that I stay home. To be fair this May and the last were during a lockdown so I couldn’t leave the country even if I wanted to, but still, being grounded and not visiting my favourite place takes it toll, and as we enter Gemini season I see how my…

Invisible Illness #2

It is 04.30 and I woke up in pain. My horrible dream leaves me as I forget it instantly which is perfectly ok with me. They are mostly horrible dreams these days now anyway. It got so bad last month that I began crying every night before bed. Imagine! Me, the daughter of Somnus and…

Invisible Illness #1

Fed up with misdiagnosing myself, I’ll call this series of posts invisible illness as the truth is, that is what I have. It’s been seven years since I started this blog not knowing what was wrong and over a decade since I was admitted to hospital and investigations began. I think it’s fair to say…

11.44 on a Saturday

I’m really drunk. It has definitely been a while since I was merry like this. I’m sipping my final gin. Earlier I took a day trip to Essex to celebrate my Mumsy’s birthday and meet up with Preeti. After brunch we sank a fine wine and tequila shots. I felt different, free almost, but with…

Running into Open Arms

It’s been a funny few months. I started the year blissfully happy, loved up and without a care in the world. Then it all became too real and I found myself overwhelmed, stretched thinly and wondering how I got here. After the drought of unemployment, single life and isolation I was catapulted into a challenging…

The affair dream revisited

I go back to amend the affair dream and wake up with a cracking headache at 06.20. I watch the wife following the nanny around with her friend, the local kids shouting at her and the husband going for a ‘run’ whilst she walks in the park. It’s not her fault. The teenager gets a…