April 23, 2017 § Leave a comment
A bright-eyed, beaming Brigit asks the group who would like to go on a hike in the Surrey Hills to connect with nature and meditate? I would. I do not hesitate to ask who else is going nor do I stop to think what might be required, the next thing I know it’s 08:30am and I’m in Waterloo with five strangers about to board a train out of London. Thirty minutes in and our phones are switched off and we are discussing psychological techniques to understand our thoughts, the positive benefits of affirmations and wondering if we have enough food.
We arrive in Chilsworth and set off for Ranmore Common. It’s crazy from the get go. I am ridiculously unfit and struggle up the steep hill. It’s embarrassing as I’m lagging behind, holding the group up but who gives a fudge covered hot dog anyway as I’m there, I’m doing it and I’m feeling good. At the incredibly beautiful summit we sit, refresh and do some breathing exercises before discussing our thoughts on self-awareness.
Brigit guides the group effortly and it is clear that she is here to help. We are each on different paths, at differing points of our journey and conversation is never egotistical but always real and honest.
We have an exercise to do, we must forgive someone for a deed that has harmed us and is holding us back. We must write a letter to that person and let go. At first I am not sure what this means or why I should forgive anyone I harbour resentment to when I am not ready but Brigit explains that we must let go of what no longer served us. I’m pretty pissed, the very thought of someone angers me and I’m sitting crossed legged on a beautiful hill thinking of them … I tell Brigit I’m not sure I can. The group listen to my story and it is just that, a story, words I tell myself, an excuse. I sit quietly and I guess it really is time to let something go.
As I write I start to cry. Normally I’d want to be alone but there is something special happening up here with these strangers that makes me feel oddly secure. I finish my letter and something shifts. It’s all a story really, one moved along by emotions. I choose not to react negatively, I choose not to harbour resentment and pain; I choose to live a more positive and fulfilling life and the people around me at the top of a hill do too.
Feeling lighter we walk on toward the River Wey and rest again some several miles later. We wade across a shallow stream barefoot and find a picnic spot in a field full of cows. It is calm and peaceful. I am happy. I look out across the rolling hills, the same view Alfred the Great once admired and I simply be me. Out of the group I am the only one British born and I am glad to offer any historical information I may hold about the creation of England. Our conversation deepens as we discuss angels. Together we are: orthodox Christian, lapsed Catholic, deity worshipping Indian, two Muslims and Spiritual Being. All our respective religions talk of the presence of Angels yet us young professionals find it difficult to accept the existence of them. As we are talking a small white feather falls from the birdless sunny sky down and we watch and laugh at the absence of coincidence.
It is time to go home. Enriched, inspired and ready for more learning, we hug each other goodbye with heartfelt love and gratitude.
April 18, 2017 § Leave a comment
All writers are vain, selfish, and lazy, and at the very bottom of their motives there lies a mystery. Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon whom one can neither resist nor understand
April 16, 2017 § Leave a comment
(I may need to consult the grammar book on that title!!) Err apologies…. I may still have grape juice in the system as I met up with my beautiful Irish friend and her friends last night and what an evening it was!
We began seventeen years ago when we dated brothers. I always felt for sure that we would be sister in-laws and even now if I imagine my wedding, she’s one of my bridesmaids. We now call ourselves ‘the ones that got away’ and remain great friends, you know the ones that have swathes of time until the next meet up but it seems like yesterday when we do, yup, we are those friends. I adore her.
She flew in, asked everyone she knew to come out and what a great meeting of individuals. I always believe your friends are a mirror of who you are inside and it hurts me when I have to let anyone go but this girl and her friends are testament to the beauty she and they have inside. I’m super proud to have a friend like this and we mirror each other and that makes me feel like a good person. I’d only met one of them before but they welcomed me in and didn’t want me to leave. They are kind and consederate, hardworking yet fun. My Friend has great friends and I am one of them. I too have great friends and she is a shining example.
My Irish friend has pulled me out of the darkness and made me remember who I am and what my values are and for that I thank her and her Amazing friends.
Have a great day everyone
April 14, 2017 § Leave a comment
One of my Amazing friends is spreading love one person at a time with her Eternal Love movement. Inspired by positivity she has been meeting all manner of people to connect and engage them to fulfil their hearts desire and live happier loving lives. When I first heard about it I simply smiled as this girl is warm hearted and always had good intent, I wanted to help but this year I’ve been focused on myself. I follow her on Facebook and was happy to support her cause. As you know I had a minor set back yesterday, I was surprised to feel those familiar sinking feelings again So when my phone beeped and my friend wanted to meet up I couldn’t wait.
Bright, beaming and full of Love Brigit embraces me and we take a stroll through the park. We chat about what’s she’s been up to, what I’ve been doing – we haven’t seen each other since 2014 and there’s lots to catch up with. Finally we discuss callings, hearing a calling to follow your dreams. I tell her how recently I’ve become more confident announcing myself as a writer and putting my head down to completely my portfolio. Brigit has started the movement and is plugged into the universal super frequency! Life is great. She’s moving, shaking and most importantly speading love.
Brigit is organising a love march in London and has asked me to join the group and help spread love. On a day in which I awoke panicking and full of anxiety I can think of nothing better than making others smile. I ask Brigit if I can apply glitter and body paint to all participants – of course I can – well that’s that and I’m in!!
Brigit adds me to a group and soon I’m introducing myself to other sweet people who are on a mission to make the world a nicer place.
I wake up with a new lease of life. I’ve wanted to change my blog for a while. I want to move away from infertility and grief and onto a more positive note and now I know how….
Love is always the answer
April 13, 2017 § 1 Comment
It’s 4am and I’m freaking out! I’ve recently joined a 6am Bikram yoga class but I cannot face it this morning. I’m overwhelmed. My brain is firing off and all I want to do is sleep for a week.
The sedatives are close by, I am trying to stay positive but it’s right there. No tears yet just pain, mental pain. What is going on? What is wrong? Why me? Why now?
I can feel the breath catching in my throat, my ears are full of sound, electricity behind the eyes, pressure builds up inside.
Help me! Who can help me? It is 4am and I am freaking out. Something washes over me. I am exhausted by my own life. Go to sleep, maybe it will be better later, or tomorrow, or next year
April 10, 2017 § 4 Comments
I sat an initial interview of suitability for my Masters programme three weeks ago, I now have to submit a 6,000 word portfolio of my work to my Lecturer who will then make a decision and invite me, or not, to attend a formal interview for a place on the course. I have been in talks with the university since last year but everything hinges on the quality of my portfolio.
I have a degree in Education and English Literature and I am to undertake a course in Education and Creative Writing. I want to research two areas: Life Long Learning and Writing & Reading for Mental Health.
For the last three months I have tried to balance working and writing which has been extremely difficult as my office is not a creative space so mostly I’ve wanted to stay in bed each morning writing, as when I get home in the evening I cannot face another computer screen.
I battled away at it for almost four months. I printed all my ‘good’ work, I read and re-read the course syllabus, I told anyone who would listen (The Dutchman) about the direction I wanted to go, I repeated myself over and over, I edited, re-wrote, cut and pasted, words, words, words, words, words…. then I hit the wall.
What is a portfolio? What does my Lecturer want to see? What does my work say about me??
I begin my portfolio with one of the hardest pieces I have ever written, a memoir of my infertility. Being infertile has changed my life. This piece is well written and hard hitting. It also has been graded so academically it already has achieved top marks. I sandwich it between two parts of clever prose and boom! part one is finished. I then try to incorporate new pieces of writing, however, since my operations I have only written about heartbreak, soulmates and looking for love – oh and the little whimsy pieces I posted on here! Unfortunately this isnot enough. You cannot jam love stories together and hope for the best…
I decide to focus, bring the portfolio more in line with my areas of interest. I start writing a piece about my love of short courses, where I humorously try and explain my CV and personal statement. The Dutchman is in town and offers to read and select some pieces. I take a day off, sit in his hotel room and spread all my work out. We decide over wine and cheese that Education, academic writing or something to weave the second parts together is missing. I feel like I’m back to square one but thank him for being so kind to me and spend the next day in Westminster walking around and waiting for inspiration.
I always know what to do when I awake. The angels must talk to me in my dreams! I print off one of my favourite essays, take a highlighter, analyse it until there is nothing left and write my final piece. I blend everything I know: Education, sociology, theology, anthropology, and linguistics. Finally it is finished.
The portfolio is almost ready to go. I somehow am 109 words over so I must go through today and edit. It really is something I am proud of. I feel as if I have achieved something small already this year.
I cannot confidently say that my writing is good enough to be accepted onto the course, however, my determination and perseverance is second to none and for that I am happy.
I wish you a successful and productive day
April 10, 2017 § Leave a comment
Yesterday was the hottest day of the year so far, big whoop, bring on the storm clouds, let it pour down.
Everyone else and their dog sat in beer gardens, had BBQs and watched the kids run around the park. I sat inside my room whist laughter, cooking smells and sunshine mingled outside having fun. I was at home, alone, wishing it would rain.
I know where I stand in the rain. Life is miserable, depressing and hard to navigate. The sun sets you free but I cannot be free as freedom is dependant on others.
The hot weather came too early, I’m not ready yet, I’m still hibernating. I still need to be alone. Bring on the rain clouds.