Invisible Illness #1

Fed up with misdiagnosing myself, I’ll call this series of posts invisible illness as the truth is, that is what I have. It’s been seven years since I started this blog not knowing what was wrong and over a decade since I was admitted to hospital and investigations began. I think it’s fair to say…

11.44 on a Saturday

I’m really drunk. It has definitely been a while since I was merry like this. I’m sipping my final gin. Earlier I took a day trip to Essex to celebrate my Mumsy’s birthday and meet up with Preeti. After brunch we sank a fine wine and tequila shots. I felt different, free almost, but with…

Running into Open Arms

It’s been a funny few months. I started the year blissfully happy, loved up and without a care in the world. Then it all became too real and I found myself overwhelmed, stretched thinly and wondering how I got here. After the drought of unemployment, single life and isolation I was catapulted into a challenging…

The affair dream revisited

I go back to amend the affair dream and wake up with a cracking headache at 06.20. I watch the wife following the nanny around with her friend, the local kids shouting at her and the husband going for a ‘run’ whilst she walks in the park. It’s not her fault. The teenager gets a…

The dream with the affair before dinner

It’s 04:24, I’m blogging each time I wake to tell you my tiresome dreams. Here’s tonight’s second instalment: I’m a nanny. I’m looking after a teenage girl and a little boy. The Dad likes me. I’m not sure if we’ve started or well into an affair but we brush past each other and make weird…

The dream with the horrible foot soldiers

I’m not sure I can go back to sleep. Having spent the last couple of hours asleep and dreaming I am battling evil super soldiers who do not get hurt. I’m done. I can feel them, their robotic hands around my neck, the blackness of everything. I’m terrified. It was almost futuristic, the horrible dreams…

The dreams with the horrible pie-making contest

Warning: Contains horrible nightmarish scenes and lots of confused ramblings Every night for weeks it’s been bad dream after bad dream and when I say bad dream, I mean dreams, plural. My broken sleep pattern still enables me to have multiple dreams each night. They are the absolute WORST dreams I have experienced in years.…

The dreams in the horrible lost city

I hate this place. Over the years I’ve been brought here several times and it’s eerie silence scares me. On reflection it’s simply a derelict city full of giant buildings and marble carved statues. Once I walked along a white marble road. I was high up and could only see the skyline; sand to the…

The New Meds

I ask for duloxetine. I know I will be anxious whilst I wait for the biopsy and results and I need something for the pain. I remember this worked for me once before. They do not question me but put me on a low dose. For the first few weeks I am sleepy, spaced out…

Past my bedtime

I have a panic attack at six am. I’ve been up for hours and I cannot find answers to my problems. It’s way past my bedtime. Every day the same through the hours. Watching time slowly slips away, into a new day. Over tired, wired. I no longer care and collapse into a ball sobbing;…